Always, Amanda

Letter 14

Hey Alex,

It's been a month...a hell of a month.

How are you? I haven't asked you that in a long while.

Have you ever been in a situation wherein you got scared because of your own thoughts? I had those moments the past month. I don't know what's happening to me. I am lost.

How could two people who made a vow in front of God to treasure and cherish each other, ended up being a stranger? My mom made yoga her obsession and my dad moved to the city for his business. I saw them once during one tense and awkward dinner. It was a complete disaster. I guess I just have to live with my parent's mistakes. I don't even know what to feel towards the both of them. I was done being angry though, that's for sure.

Guess what? I am not gonna put myself into that heart-breaking situation.

I don't think I can handle it. I was a romantic at heart before courtesy of watching too much Disney's fairytale movies. However, now, I don't even know if I can put my faith into it. I now knew that love isn't enough and the Holy Bible is right; you need hope and faith for love to work.

But seemed like being faithful these days is a luxury and too pricey.

Jeez, I'm such bitter these days.

So...I finally have some idea on why I had and still sort of have a hard time moving on from you, well, aside from having no closure from you: one impulsive phone call that ended everything and very well on my part then. No more, no less.

A few weeks of trying to make sense everything that happened...and then I realized I'd put love on a higher pedestal.

I finally grasped the fact that for me, love has always been a sacred thing. I sanctified love itself.

So when I feel in love with you, I treasured it with my whole being. For me, it was true love even though, let's face it; I had little to no idea of what true love really was.

I locked the love I felt for you inside my meagre heart and threw the key away, preventing my heart from falling in love with someone else.

Now, I am struggling to free it. But I know I have to do it. I have to forget everything about you, let you go or else it will destroy me.

I need to consciously stop thinking about you so that maybe the dreams about you I kept on having will finally stop. That's the hard part though. I don't know why I keep dreaming about you in my sleep. Do you ever dream about me?

I have to let you go. I have to give up on you. My mom already gave up on dad. If she could do it, I think I can also do it.

I am tired right now. My mind is going on circles. I am thinking hard about a big decision I have to make that won't just leave my mind. I'll let you know about it in my next letter...or not.

This might be my last letter to you...

Did you ever love me during that entire time we were dating?

I just have to ask you that. It's the only thing I'm most curious about. I deserve that one truth after all.

But don't sugar-coat it for my freaking sake. I'm a big girl now. I can handle the ugly truth. Maybe I'm a masochist after all for opening the closet full of skeletons from our past that may best be hidden all along.

Good bye.

Stay safe always.

Always,
Amanda

***