Always, Amanda

Letter 11

Dear Alexander,

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Alex, Lex, Xander, or whoever you are right now...

My parents are splitting up. I don't know what to feel about it. I feel so alone. My sister has her husband to wallow in tears with. And here I am in the city feeling so alone while wishing someone is beside me right now. I cannot just unburden with my dear friend Rosalyn, she has her own issue with her boyfriend.

I never imagined before that I could be feeling every bit of being by myself at the age of twenty-seven. My birthday just came a couple of months ago and it wasn't memorable. It was just a reminder that I am getting older by the day. I actually thought I am going to be already established at this point in my life, how wrong was I?

Now, I feel like losing myself. Every pre-conceived notion of mine about life is crashing down right now.

Like when I thought we would be in for the long haul, you know with the same college and city after high school. But where did that end for us?

I knew it wasn't your fault that your family was moving out of town to the city before our senior year was over...but you could have done a better good bye than what you did.

You were an ass.

Did you think it would lessen the pain if you told me the truth on that very same day also that you were moving out of town, and no less than by a text message?

Damn it!

What did you take me for? That I would beg you to stay? No, I wasn't that selfish.

You know, I wanted to send you out properly. I wanted to kiss you and hug you tightly, while telling you that it was just another road block on our way that we needed to overcome, that it's not gonna be over between us.

But you never gave me that chance. I went to your house immediately when I received your message, but you weren't there anymore. Couldn't you just wait for a little bit more at that time?

You know what happened to me after? I cried so hard the whole day and didn't leave the confines of my bedroom, not even to eat. That was the first time my parents scolded me because of you.

It had hurt, badly, like you just betrayed me. And maybe you did. I deserved better than what you did. Like hell, do you know that I once got panicked because I could already picture you in my future? I didn't tell you that. I didn't tell you that I already imagined us in our dream house with white picket fence complete because I knew it would scare you also. I was only fifteen, for crying out loud. It was terrifying.

I was really hopeless and naive. Gosh, how pathetic was I?

And I am still pathetic for writing you letters right now.

You know what? I just remember that I am angry at you for visiting my dreams every now and then like you have every right to disturb my life now, and that's actually the precedent to sending you a letter in the first place.

I hate you.

Gosh, it feels good to say that to you. So be good for me right now and just be my sounding board. At this time, I don't care if you respond or not. For all I know, this email address of yours that I am sending my mails to have been deactivated already and you are not receiving my letters.

Goodness gracious, I am drunk!

Jack Daniels is such a terrific company! He's making me forget my problems now. I could marry the guy!

Always,
Amanda

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