Always, Amanda

Letter 8

Dear Alexander,

Hi!

You okay over there?

In my last letter, I told you about exchanging letters to some friends who went to the same school as yours during high school. In all those excitement over sending and receiving snail mails, I realized that I never sent you one. I guess I wasn’t really confident when it came to you. I was embarrassed enough to think that you might not send me any response and so I never tried. Would you have sent me one if I gave you a letter at that time?

Anyway, good thing signing an autograph book became a trend then. Thank you for putting your name on it and answering some trivial questions – I finally knew some of your favourites back then. I actually had a happy dance once I received it and had read your note. That autograph book is one of my treasured high school memorabilia. 

I actually couldn’t recall how our communication started again once when we were in high school but I know I was very excited when I received your first text message and from then on, it was just history. At that time, I couldn’t be happier of exchanging pen and paper over cell phone. Throughout our exchanges, I came to figure out it was you who was texting me even though sometimes you used different phone numbers, because you always started your text messages with a simple ‘Hi’.

I always complained about receiving text quotes because I found them annoying but whenever you sent me one, I always found myself grinning like an idiot especially with those quotes about love and relationship. Sometimes though, I questioned if what the messages meant were actually your real sentiments or just forwarding me quotes your friends sent you because your inbox was full. And then I ended up frustrating and deluding myself. That’s why I really hated text quotes.

I know I was hopeless.

Aside from the presence of maddening chain messages, scam texts, and raining of text quotes, there was also that exasperating addition of text-mates. I was enthralled at first, I mean, meeting new people all across the country within the touch of your fingertips; having ideas what people were doing in the other end; and then there’s the freedom of unloading your feelings to someone and not worry too much about your privacy because despite knowing each other’s names, there’s still some wall that divides between you two to becoming familiar with each other. It was like that concept of ‘I knew you but I knew nothing about you’. It was superficial but still being able to connect to someone else was exciting. However, I hated it at the end. Not because of losing credit but because of some text-mates that became too obtrusive and didn’t know when to stop asking.

And you know what? I hated that one particular person named Lex. I knew I sort of laughed it off at that time but when I think of it now, sigh...how could I be so stupid?

And that was very stupid of you to do that.

What were you thinking texting me with an unknown number and befriending me with a different name? That really hurt. I think that was the first time I felt something other than likeness towards you. Good thing a friend of mine from your school warned me about your foolish action. If I didn’t catch you, would you have continued your sham?

Okay, I somewhat knew what you were getting at. I guessed you wanted to know how I would have reacted if a guy texted me and expressed interest in me, right? Did you really think I was an easy woman? That I would say yes to someone I didn’t know in the first place? If I was, I would have said my feelings to you in your face. Or even better, I would have flirted back with Matt who was not only very handsome and with a good sense of humour but also played football well in school.

However, he wasn’t you. You know what I meant, right?

Okay, sorry for springing it out on you like this but my thoughts right now pulled me back to that time a guy I liked disappointed me. It’s just today, I am very disappointed with the man I cared so much – my dad. It was one thing to hear about his shenanigans but it’s something all together when you saw the evidence of him cheating on mom.

I hope I am not souring your mood as you read this but these days, the fairytale happy-ending I believed in when I was a child is slowly crumbling down.

I am having a bad day and I am missing you.

But stay safe!

Always,
Amanda

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