Always, Amanda

Letter 6

Dear Alexander,

Hello!

I had read yesterday from your mom’s FB post that you are going to be deployed to the Middle East this coming week. I hope you stay safe. I don’t know if my letters are reaching you or not.

Today, I realised that I just needed to vent out, you know, tell you my side of the story. If you don’t justify me with a response, then it is okay, I understand. You might want to forget the past and leave it behind. If you do send me a letter back, then I am going to appreciate it.

I know this is hard for you as well. But, can you humour me for a couple of times? I’ll just send you a couple of letters more and then I’ll be completely gone from your life. I really hope you stay safe wherever you are.

I was going through my childhood albums the other day. And guess what? I saw our pictures together during that primary school graduation. You know, that one when we were attempting to dance our best to an awkward ballroom dance our homeroom teacher forced out to do and we couldn’t say no because it was part of our extra-curricular activity and well, it was the last before we find ourselves in high school.

Those awkward glimpses to each other when we learned that we were partners – I really was convinced our teachers were teasing us. It was fun though, I admit now, because at the age of twelve, we were supposed to learn how to tango. I could never forget how you repeatedly stepped on my toes and not to mention your clammy hands – but sort of warm and comfortable hands though. Oh, and don’t forget about the dreary eye contacts we had to make! I was really discomfited and I knew that I didn’t do well because of the fact that I could not hold your gazes well. You had one of those enchanting deep blue eyes that spoke volume and depth, and I still don’t know how you did it but it felt like at that time, I could be suck into those orbs. It was scary. It was of that reason why I didn’t dare stared at your eyes for too long when needed. I hope you didn’t feel offended at that time. This is the moment when I will say, it wasn’t you but it was me.

I think at that stage, we were comfortable enough with each other, don’t you think so? I remembered you teasing me and I guessed that was a start. I know it’s too late already but thank you – for that snack you gave me once during practice. It was just that you caught me off guard and was stupefied to say thank you at that moment. I ate it well though.

Being a sixth grader thought me a lot of things. It was a memorable year for me. It was the year I finally sort of realized that I wasn’t a little girl anymore but a teenager already – and that I couldn’t play recklessly with boys anymore. It was also very confusing for me even though my parents and I had the talk about the birds and the bees (mind you it was very awkward) but I started to enjoy your company and was looking forward to see you actually. The whole experience was bewildering that when my friends started talking about their crushes, I finally realized what you meant to me.

You were my first crush and I am not ashamed to say it now.

When we were in the sixth grade, I was flustered all over but truthfully, I was giddy inside especially that time when we were seatmates before the year ended. Do you remember FLAMES? That game was fun and well, I also tried matching our names together to see our future. I can’t remember the result and I think I’ll pass doing it now.

At such a young age, you made me feel things, foreign emotions that were scary to say the least. Everytime you smiled at me with your charming dimple, I always felt this fluttery inside my stomach like butterflies that were waiting to escape and fly away but they never did. They stayed until I had no choice but to acknowledge them.

I am going to have a night shift in the hospital later on so I have things to prepare. I’ll write to you soon.

Stay safe!

Always,
Amanda

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