Always, Amanda

Letter 13

Hey Alexander,

I just need someone to let out my frustration right now. Sorry for being a nuisance and a bitch to you.

I shouldn't have written you any letter at all.

I know you probably have a lot on your mind right now that needs your attention than being harass by your ex sending you letters.

My parents are settling their divorce. I never really thought of that dreaded word – divorce – before until now. I thought it would be easier since I am an independent thinking adult now but nope, it still hurt. If I am devastated with my parents separating right now at my age, what about those small children facing the same circumstances as I am? It must be so heart-breaking for them. I hope that not many children are subjected to that cruel reality. It's unfair.

But then again, life is not really fair to begin with.

When my parents insisted that I should enrol in college of nursing, I'd let them made the decision for me. I was distracted at that time; barely doing school works so I could graduate in high school and get out of town, away from the place that reminded me of you. I could have used a good advice at that time, just someone telling me that I wasn't making the big mistake of my life, that I was doing the best decision. But you weren't there and then I became distant from our friends. It was hard.

I actually saw you once in college.

I didn't think we would end up in the same city but I saw you inside that big bookstore. I thought I was over you but the moment I saw you, every discernible feeling a human being who fell in love and got broken hearted could feel came back to me. For the first time in a few months, my stomach somersaulted and my heart leaped from seeing a guy. And that guy was unfortunately you. But I didn't approach you. You were with someone else...a pretty girl.

How unfair was that? I should have been the first to move on and find myself a new boyfriend because you were an ass but nope, you'd beat me from finding someone else first.

And then I realized I wasn't that kind of person, and still am.

I am not that type to forget someone by being with someone else. I am not that rebound type of girl, never was and never will. So I moved forward with my life. Your existence actually helped me tread on college life easier, come to think of it. Whenever someone asked me out to go on a date, you were my alibi, especially if I wasn't really in the mood to get cosy with a guy. You were like my fictional boyfriend in college, just that you existed in reality and were not mine anymore.

At the end of the day, I decided to not regret things. I realized it was a waste of my precious time.

I didn't regret falling in love with you. I didn't regret breaking up with you because it made me realize how much you meant to me. You know what I regretted when it comes to you? It was during the summer when we found ourselves back in the same town again and your grandmother just died.

I wanted to hug you tightly to ease the grief you were feeling but I didn't know how to initiate it. Things between us were very awkward at that time even more with our friends back then. So I ended up hugging Brent instead. He was whom I could call my childhood bestfriend. He would call me in college and bother me to hangout and ask for some advices. He was the only one who persisted when I told my friends that I wanted to be alone.

You seemed so sad and I didn't know what to do. My pride held me back.

I wish I could go back and hug you instead after that very last night you walked me home. I was scared that time. I was scared that when I touched you, I would end up begging for you to come back to me.

FYI, it was harder falling out of love with you. You were after all my first love.

Now that I am feeling all alone, I really want a hug right now. I also never knew the potency of such simple action until when I really needed it.

Maybe I'll hug you the next time I see you. Ha-ha.

God, I am a tight ball of emotions right now. And not at all the good type of sentiments.

Just, stay safe and keep living.

Always,
Amanda

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