(2018 OLD) pretty u; verkwan oneshots

what i see

cringey vent writing

Nothing. That's what Seungkwan felt like. He felt like nothing.

All felt a swirl of all yet no emotions. He felt so alive yet so numb. He felt like nothing. Everything cancelled each other out and made him feel drunk. So drunk that nothing matters or feels real anymore.

He didn't want anyone near him, he didn't want anyone to see him. Not now. Because no one would understand.

He felt so useless. So broken beyond repair. So empty.

and Hansol Vernon Chwe was not helping

It's not like Hansol was being a bad boyfriend and making him feel like crap, no never, Hansol would never. It was the opposite. He was being an amazing boyfriend. He was being supportive and loving of Seungkwan at a constant.

But it felt too good to be true. It felt like Seungkwan was close to heaven and it felt too good, too good for someone like Seungkwan.

Seungkwan would never and has never said that to anyone. He's never admitted that he doesn't think he's anywhere good enough for Vernon.

Because he's confident.
Because he's self-obsessed.
Because he believes he's perfect.
Because those are all lies.

Lies that make Seungkwan someone who people don't mind saying something about because "it's not like he'll care". Lies that build up walls around him. Lies that deceive and convince people that he's okay.

But he's not. He's not okay.

Especially now, sitting in the dorm bathroom, sobbing softly into his knees at 1:52 in the morning just wanting to stop feeling so much but at the same time yearning to feel like something, anything.

"What's your biggest fear?" A jokey question people usually ask you. Most people would answer "heights" or "snakes" or something like that.

That's usually what Seungkwan would say because his biggest fear is too much of a burden for other people to handle. People often lie in situations like this. Because we don't actually want people knowing what we're most afraid of. Because that shows our weaknesses it shows where we crumble and fall like ancient buildings. It shows where and when we let go. It shows the nerves you have to strike.The buttons to push.

People knowing his weaknesses is the last thing Seungkwan needs. He doesn't want people walking on egg shells around him but he doesn't want them to think he's faking it for attention either. He just wants people to know and see who he is and how he feels. But he can't tell them. They can't know. No one can. Not his parents. Not his band members. Not his boyfriend.

"What's your biggest fear?"

Answer truthfully. Think about it really. Don't say something like "heights" or "snakes" think about the thing that people could use. People could bring up and you'd just crumble and fall. Not just physically, but emotionally. Something that can completely shift you and break you if you let it.

Seungkwan's biggest fear? People seeing him the way he sees himself.

Or even more so; Hansol seeing him how he sees himself.

He still believes that Hansol can't be real, he can't be as true as he is. He doesn't want to let go because Hansol is all that Seungkwan is holding onto right now.

Hansol is a fresh breath of air and a scent he wants to breathe in forever. Hansol is the taste on his lips that he never wants to lose.
Hansol is the illusion Seungkwan is afraid will let go of him before he can let go of it.
Hansol is the safe haven and Seungkwan doesn't want to go home