The Kidnapper's Wife

56. Before

I decided on a onesie. Matching onesies, in fact. I got a red plaid onesie for me, Connor, and our future baby. I also got a giant red costume prop rattle and pacifier. My plan was to set up our gopro on the tripod out of the way, and then turn it on to secretly film Connor when he opened the box with all of the objects. Then, we could do a photo shoot. I diy-ed a sign that matched the onesies so that we could do a photo shoot after the big reveal.

Of course, I won't post the pictures or videos online until after three months. I'm new to the being-pregnant thing but I'm pretty sure that there is still a chance of miscarriage up until then, and I don't want to have to break the bad news to everyone if that happens. But at least I'll have everything all set to go for when we are ready to tell everyone our exciting news.

At least, I hope t's exciting news. I still have absolutely no idea how Connor is going to react to the idea of a baby. Or, more accurately, to the idea of a baby right now.

Instead of worrying about it though, I've decided to be optimistic, and hope that Connor will be as excited and happy as I am. So instead of pulling him aside after work and being all "There's something I need to tell you", I'm sitting at the table with the big (because of the large baby props) red box in front of me, tapping my foot as I wait for Connor to get home. 

I glance down at my phone for what must be the hundredth time, rereading the text displayed on it. 

"Be home around 6, as usual..." Connor had been understandably confused as to why I would need verification as to the time he came home religiously every night. 

But I hadn't want any surprises, and now, I'm glad that I know when the moment is approaching. It's currently 6:03 so I know any moment now, Connor will walk through the front door, setting Ruby barking like crazy. I even got a little red plaid vest for Ruby to wear, in case we want to try some pictures with her too. 

Suddenly it happens, the creak of the garage makes me jump and, right on cue, Ruby's excited barks perforate the tense silence. I jump up and press the record button on the camera, then return to my chair, sweat dripping down my back.

I sit up straighter and eye the door nervously. When it swings open, Connor's eyes are on the door handle before they swing upward to the room and, to me.

"Oh!" he's surprised by my presence. Then he becomes concerned. "Babe, is everything all right? Why are you sitting at the table eyeing me like a serial killer?"

"Everything's fine," I manage to croak out unconvincingly, "I'm just excited, I got you a present, come open it!"

He eyes me quizzically as he sets his briefcase down on the counter, "Can it wait 5 minutes? I'd like to change first if that's okay."

I'm about to nod my assent when I realize that I'm too nervous and can't wait even a minute more. "Actually no!" I blurt out, then even out my voice as much as possible, "I think you should just open it now real quick!"

Now he really looks perplexed. "Okayyyy...." he eyes me as he moves toward the table, "What's the occasion?" 

"Just open it." I'm too impatient to keep up the guise anymore. 

Slowly, he turns the box upside down and peels the tape off the carefully wrapped edges. Then he folds the paper back to reveal the red polka dotted cardboard box inside. He lifts the lid off the box to reveal what's inside. 

For a minute, he just stares down at the contents, his expression unchanging. 

Then, he looks up at me.

His expression is one of complete and utter horror. My own expression collapses in it's wake.

"You...you're...you can't be...this means you're....pregnant?"

I nod, shame all over my face, unable to speak.

"But...I don't understand. How could this happen? I thought you were on birth control?"

Nothing is going right, this is not how I pictured this moment happening. I suddenly think of the camera in the corner, recording this entire conversation. I'm too afraid to go and turn it off, and risk angering Connor more at the idea that I thought he'd be excited. Instead, I plan to take the memory card later and throw it in the lake, just like all my dreams for this baby.

"I....am." I say slowly, "Mostly."

"Mostly?" the anger in Connor's voice is terrifying. It's a controlled sort of heat, lying just under the surface, the hiss before the bite, the rain before the thunder. 

"Well I...I might have missed a pill or two..." or five, I think but don't say.

"You might have missed a pill or two..." Connor mimics me in disbelief. 

"How could you Jade? This isn't something to play around with. You are so responsible in every aspect of your life, how could you do this? How could you let this happen? Of all the things to slack on, you pick this. Typical."

Now he's crossed the line and I'm getting mad. "How could I let this happen? Maybe you should try taking a look at yourself before you point the blame on me. If you were this concerned about pregnancy prevention there are methods of birth control you could have used. Or you could have bothered to have a conversation with me about when you actually wanted kids, if you ever even do. Because I'm starting to wonder if that's something you just tell me to put it off longer."

Connor's voice is dangerously quiet, "Is that what this is Jade? You wanted to have a kid so you made the decision and got pregnant?"

"No." My voice is more sure than I feel, leaving no room for doubt. "This happened by accident, and it was not something I planned or prepared for. But when I realized the situation, I chose to embrace it for what it is, and be enthusiastic about it rather than start this journey with a bitter heart."

"This journey...so that's it then, you're definitely having the baby."

"Yes." I realize the decision on that was made the second I found out about the tiny heartbeat inside my belly. "I'm having this baby Connor. We are both responsible adults who are financially able to support a child. There is no reason not to have this child, other than pure selfishness."

Connor eyes me coldly. "Well I'm glad you've let me have a say in this decision." he says. He's using a voice I have never, ever heard before, and it scares me more than anything that's happened so far in this conversation. For the first time, I'm glad the camera is, unknowingly to Connor, recording in the background. Just in case. 

Connor stands up and walks around the table towards me. He stands over me menacingly and I put my hand on my belly protectively, not taking my eyes off his. 

I'm not sure what's happening, but my heart is fluttering erratically from the place it dropped to in my feet the second Connor opened the box. 

As I sit gridlocked under his glare I picture the room as if from above, like a fly on the ceiling, and I want to cry. I was so, so excited and hopeful about this moment and it has all come crashing down on me.