Explaination

Nighttime

So my insomnia started when I was about eight years old. I started taking melatonin before bed but it never did anything for me, so I stopped taking them.

I have always been anxious about not having some kind of plan for the possibilities of the next day. I didn't want things to change while I was unconscious. I was dreading the nightmares I knew id have while sleeping. I had ideas and theories and everything else to think about at just that moment and for some stupid reason it couldn't wait until morning. My brain just won't stop.

I'm also a lucid dreamer, and that started around the same time as my insomnia. I love it, but i also kind of hate it as well. Its hard to explain.

I can control my choices when I dream, I can do whatever I want, but I always know when I'm doing something that my mind doesn't want me to do. Someone who dreams normally does "what they want" when they dream, but what they want is usually how the dream was gonna go anyway.

I'm different. When I make a choice it often is not how the dream was "supposed" to go. And I can feel it. If I start walking the "wrong" direction its like wading through a pool of waist high chilled honey.

I always know when I'm dreaming, even though everything looks and feels and sounds extremely real. I can choose to wake up whenever I want. If I am being woken up by a dream I know it and if I choose, I can exert physical force to stay in the dream.

I can't change the time or weather, but a lot of lucid dreamers say they can. I can change the landscape or move other objects in my dreams with my mind though. But again I have to use real physical force.

I've also never had a dream in which it is daytime. Its always either nighttime or neither day nor night (like ill be indoors or there's just no sun or clouds or moon or lights and yet its a weird dark daylight color with stars or some dark grayish sky that's very dull and not day but probably not night either. Its the strangest thing.

Pain feels so real though. That's what I hate. How real every awful thing feels.

Yes, I can wake up whenever I want to but I never want to. I have this weird craving for dreams. Even if I am enduring extreme pain in this dream I dont want it to stop. I want to experience it all. Its sick I know, but I like it... And I hate it. This does not make me a masochist. Its not real, it just feels real.