Explaination

what now

I'm trying. I'm trying to find something to help me. But it's so hard.

I'm so scared. If I become dependent on this thing, person, place, activity, whatever it is... It could make it worse.

Maybe it's just better for me to be alone in this. I can't do it by myself, but I can't risk trying to do it any other way.

Maybe I'll just keep waiting. But I don't know how long I can go until I fall apart. It'll just have to be enough. Maybe it will work. Maybe it'll just fix itself. If it doesn't, then I'll just die, and it doesn't matter anyway.

It won't get better. I know that, but I cant allow myself to accept it. I don't know why, but I can't.

I'm trying. But maybe I shouldn't be.

I'm so lonely. But what can I do? I hurt people who I tell. They are upset by my thoughts. I'm messed up. I'm a broken freak. They hate me. I hate me. Even people who don't hate me are problematic for me. They pity me. I hate it when they pity me.

And if they didn't hate or pity me, if I could somehow, miraculously find someone who just accepted me, I would get attached. I would get hurt. It would get worse.

And I can't tell my family. I can't tell them any more than they already know.

I can hear the responses now.

"I knew you were crazy."

"Anxiety? Here smoke this weed."

"Well why don't we take you to this doctor."

"You need therapy."

"Just shut up and deal with it."

"See? Control freak."

God. Nightmare. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and thinking something like, " well she seemed so smart, you would think she could just find a solution"

I hoped so too. But I guess that's what I get for hoping. For believing. Why did I ever think this could help? Why did I ever think I could do anything to help myself. Help others.

I'm sorry for wasting your time if you're reading this. I'm sorry I hurt people. I'm sorry I can't just get over everything. I'm sorry I can't understand some things. I'm sorry I fuck everything up.

I'm sorry I'm here.