Shielded

Destruction is my new best friend

Dean's POV

It's kept me up all night, these thoughts. I feel like my mind is going to fucking explode. I really do love Adalia. I keep on thinking about how it would be if she thought of me as more than just a friend, how much more I could get out of her. But I know that's never going to be reality. It's sickening. I can't help it. I don't mean to think of her this way and I feel so damn guilty for feeling it. I need to get these feelings out of me and there's only one thing that I think will be able to pull them out.

I'm trying to fight who I used to be just to help the people I surround myself with but no matter what I do it's just not enough.

I used to be this reckless, nasty guy but since I've been around Roman and Seth they've pulled me away from that. I never gave a fuck about anything, there were no exceptions like there is now. I strived off of pain and shit. I was always on an adrenaline high and I really do miss it.

I feel like the only way to bury these feelings I've got for Adalia is to become that old Dean Ambrose so I can go pick up some chick at a bar and fuck the life out of her and fuck these feelings out of myself. I need to become that crazy, fucked up bastard. I want to be numb again.

It'll be easy. I've been trying hard to keep him buried but he wants to come out. The loss of temper, the blackouts, those are all the old Dean Ambrose trying to resurface and I'm starting to think it might not be a bad thing if I let him out. I just need to let my anger out and not hold it back and then maybe he'll be able to come back out and I won't want to store him away again.

It'll drive me away from The Shield but I think that would be the best thing for me since I would end up destroying it myself anyway. I can't be around Adalia anymore, I can't keep feeling these feelings. If I stick around I'll hurt somebody and I won't be able to fix it. I'd rather fuck it all up for me than for them. I'm Dean Ambrose and I'm not supposed to fucking care about anybody or anything and that's how it's going to be from now on.

I grabbed a fourth beer from the fridge already starting to feel the buzz. I sat alone in my hotel room but that's just how I like to be. Alone. I grew up alone and I've earned everything by myself without anybody there to help me. That's how it's going to be from now on. The only person I need to rely on is myself since I'm the only person who won't let me down.

My phone lit up next to me buzzing away on the table, giving off this annoying fucking rattling sound. I grabbed it and glanced at the screen, "Roman." I let out an angry grunt and hurled my phone at the wall watching it shatter into pieces. A satisfied grin found it's way onto my face. Destruction is my new best friend.