All Thanks To a Piece Of Paper (ForthBeam)

-2-

So far how was the chapter 1 going?

...........................................................Let's continue shall we?..............................................................

            I can see Tae's tears glistering over his eyes. Is he about to cry? But, he didn't even hear my full answer. I just stopped talking after I said 'you' because I needed to choose my words carefully. I was going to add on, but then Tae tears up.

           Have I hurt Tae's feelings? I don't know how I would have. He's usually strong about keeping his feelings intact. I don't see how I could make him upset.

           "What's wrong? Did I make you upset?" I ask him and my head on his right shoulder.

           "Well, just saying that I make you want to hurt yourself is just really overwhelming," Tae frowns and lifts me of his lap. " I don't understand how I could do that. I'm good to you right?" His voice cracks and looks at me sadly.

           I couldn't help but feel sorry. Sorry for telling him. Sorry for writing anything instead of burning. Sorry for even being here in the first place.

           I didn't know what to say to Tae. My stomach is churning. I know that my blush is deep red and I can't do anything about it. So, my reply to him, I nod quickly a couple of times.

           "Then how could I do something so bad that makes you want to do these horrible things?" A tears down his smooth right cheek. 

           I frown and my stomach tightens more, I feel so guilty that I put Tae in this position. What kind of brother am I? Clearly a bad one making him cry. How can I do this to him.

           I wipe of the fallen tear off of his cheek and cup his face between my hands. "Don't think about it, okay? I'm fine, you see?" I smile reassuringly.

           I know he can see through my fake smile so easily. He can read me like a children's book. I don't understand how. Do I always give away too many hints? Do I show his that I have tears in my eyes when I try not to cry but smile? I want to understand Tae. I want to able to know what he's feeling when he doesn't tell me. Or just know what he's thinking when he doesn't say anything. But, I'm not psychic or anything.

          Tae starts to smile, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see," He leans his forehead against mine. "Just don't be scared to tell me anything, okay?"

          I nod in response and drop my hands so they're around his neck loosely. Tae wraps his arms around my waist again and pull me into another hug. This one is more emotionally touching. Like, the sadness, heartbreak, happiness, all of the others, wrapped up in one hug. I love it.

          "I love you, Tee," Tae smiles, pulls away from the delightful hug, and kisses me on the forehead.

         I could feel that I'm blushing again. Why can't I control it? It's going to give my secret away so easily. It just sounds like Tae really means that he loves me. Not the brotherly way, though. I'm just going to keep denying everything and imagine up stupid stuff, just to make myself feel better. I'm so pathetic.

         "I love you, too, Tae." I keep smiling as my nerve build up inside me.

         I really meant that I love Tae. I really do love him. Nothing is wrong with that, right? Wrong. He's my brother. We share the same blood. We share the same parents. We're supposed to be just a brothers, nothing more, nothing less. But, why can't I accept that feeling? I'm going to to be rejected by everyone. Nobody understand. Nobody will understand. Nobody could understand.

        "Well, I'm hungry," Tae sets me down next to him. "Want me to get you anything?"

        I thought for a moment. I'm the opposite of hungry. My stomach is in knots. I can't be able to eat anything. My heart is up in my throat. I can't be able to drink anything. My head feels like a volcano is about to erupt. I can't even think straight.

        The anxiety is just killing me. Why do I even feel anxious? What is there that it's making me feel so overwhelmed? Tae? But, how? That's the only thought that came to mind to answer the question.

        I want Tae.

       "A glass of water would be nice." I smile and lay back on the bed pillows.

       "Alright, I'll be back in a jiffy," Tae gets up, rubs my head like I'm a dog, messing up with my hair, then leaves.

        I straighten my hair back to the way it was with my fingers and wait on my bed.

        Ask him when he gets back into the room. The voice snikers.

        No! I won't ask anything. I can't do that. Well, ask the ridiculous question to my own brother. It's stupid. I shouldn't even be thinking of promiscuous stuff like this. It's stupid. And disrespectful, right?

        You know you want an answer. You know you want him to say yes to you. The voice laughs continuously.

         I start to hit my head with fists. I can't stand listening to this annoying, mocking voice. I hate it.

        "Stop it, stop it, stop it," I whisper to myself. I can't stand listening to my own voice. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!"

        I reach into the tissue box a grab out a small razor.

        No, I can't do this.

        But I can't take it anymore.

        Right as I let the blade touch my skin, The door opens. I jump and throw the blade below my crack between the bed and the wall. That was so close.

        "I'm back with your water," Tae closes the door with his foot and tosses my a water bottle.

        I grab it and sketchily open it and drink out of it while shaking. I see that Tae is eating a package of fruit snacks.

        "Something wrong? You look scared," Tae comes over to me and sits on the bed next to me. 

        "Nope, nothing is wrong," I smile and look away from him so he doesn't have to see me lying.

        "Well, do you ned to tell me anything?" Tae says and wraps an arm around my waist.

        I felt chills go down my spine once I felt his hand relax on my leg. I don't know what to say. I went to tell him something. Or maybe even ask him the question. But, I don't want to disturb him or make him hate me forever. He's my brother after all. I can't lose Tae. If I do, I'll die. I couldn't go on.

       "Can you kiss me?"

To be continued..