All Thanks To a Piece Of Paper (ForthBeam)

-4-

***Hi everyone! First of all I'm gonna say SORRY since I didn't update any new story for the last three days ago. Which is I'm totally busy with my uni work and assignment that have been given. Since today I have a little bit of time, why don't I continued the story right? By the way, I was totally surprise by the amount of vote and comments from you all who actually like the story. So, here is my big THANKS to you in advance. Hope you guys enjoy the story. :) 

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       I'm still trembling in Tae's arms. Everything in my body is messed up. My arms and legs are like jello. My stomach feels like it dropped to the bottom of my abdomen. My heart is beating a million miles a minute. It feels tears are ready to fall down my cheeks.

      I kissed Tae, and it was amazing.

      What is wrong with me? Kissing someone blood related shouldn't be good. It should be disgusting. Plus, Tae and I even make out. Shouldn't it feel worse than just our lips touching? But, I still liked it.

      "Ta-Tae," I gasp while smiling from ear to ear. I look into Tae's eyes and they're gleaming brightly at me. "I-um, I'll be back." I hop off of him and hurry out of our room before Tae could even respond to me.

       Why did I just do that? I can't even stand to look at him in the eyes. He looks so precious. I don't wan to say the wrong thing to him and hurt his feelings. But what if I say the right thing? Will he be happy if I do? What if he reacts so horrified he won't speak to me again? I can't take this anticipation anymore. I hate it.

       Just tell him you love him more than a brother, he will surely love you back. The voice insists.

        I can't just blurt out and tell him that. It has to take time before I can say all of that. It's wrong of me to feel that way towards Tae anyway, right? I should like girls with boobs at my own age. Not boy's that's almost two years than me and that's blood related.

       Just do it. I bet he loves you back by the way he was kissing you. The voice laughed as if it were joking.

        Now I feel even more scared. More anticipated. I must know what he's thinking about me. Does he love me? Or, did he really believe my stupid excuse for him to kiss me?

        I'm going to finally tell him. I'm going to tell Tae that I love him. Right now, well, when I get in the room. I'll just straight up tell him, "I love you". That doesn't seem so hard right?

        I turn the knob quickly and enter the room while a smile plastered on my face. "Tae-"

        What is he reading? He's on the bed, frowning down at a crinkled paper. Wait.... No! It can't be the letter I wrote to him when I was fifteen years old... Oh no... This is not good.

        "Tee, what is this letter that was meant for me to read?" Tae looked up at me, with his eyes showing me that he's gloomy.

        I bite my lower lip and look at the ground as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. I forgot to rip up that paper. Wait, I was saving it for something special, right? That's why it was in the back of my notebook. I can't remember. It was so long ago when I first wrote it. I was so naive when I was fifteen. I still am now.

        "W-What letter? I don't know what you're talking about," I turn away from him so he doesn't have to see that I'm lying.

        "This one," I heard Tae get off of the bed and hand it to me from behind.

          My heart sinks as I read the letter that I wrote years ago:

         Dear Tae,

                     If you're reading this. I want you to know that I love you. Rally really really love you. Since you found this, I never said anything about it. Because I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm disgusting. Aren't I? Loving you, like wanting to be with you? It's not right. Even though you are older than me, I don't want to put you in this position. I know you don't like me that way, just, I'm sorry that I'm even writing this a dumping all my feelings onto you. I just love you more than anybody else. I can't deal with this. Besides, you're never going to see this letter in a million years, so why am I even writing it? Anyways, I love you. 

                    Tee.

         Am I really that cliche? Well, being that pre-teen I was, I probably was. It was so stupid of me to write that message and forget to rip it up. Now that Tae has gotten a hold of it, which I don't know how he could have, he's probably disgusted of me.

         "T-Tae, That was a long time ago," I start and turn around to look at him. He has a stern look displayed on his face. "I-I was fifteen -"

         "Do you still feel that way? is that why you wanted to kiss me?" Tae squints his eyes to glare at me. "Well?"

         I gulp and look to the floor again. My own brother hates me. I made my own brother hate me. I didn't mean to, though! He was the one snooping trough my belongings! He wasn't supposed to figured anything out. He wasn't supposed to figure out that I love him- love him.

         Why am I so idiotic?

         I quickly go to my bed and search through my tissue box and grab out my razor with my left hand. No hesitation this time. I bring the sharpened blade to my right wrist and slice through my skin, not too deep, though. Just painful enough to suffer for what I have done. Finally, as I watch the blood bubble up, I put the razor back where it belongs in the tissue box.

         This isn't good enough.

         I pick up my pillow and reach in the back of the pillow case, my lighter and metal hair clip that my mom used to wear. I grip the little floral part where it doesn't get warm with my left hand, and click the lighter so the fire is under the metal with my right hand, heating it up. After a few seconds, I blow out the fire and bring my hand down to my right wrist and place it firmly on my forearm. I bite my bottom lip to keep from shrieking.

        I drop the lighter and clip on the pillow. Watching my skin welled and bleed slowly.

        I hate myself for what I have done. With everything.

To be continued...