Maybe Just Happy - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

twenty four: humiliation and hallucinations

I was grateful to have such an understanding aunt. Very grateful.
She had introduced me to a few people who I had now been playing music with. We practiced at least four nights a week, and I was loving it. My mind had to stay busy, and music was my medicine.
I had landed a job at a record shop, and when I wasn't working or playing music, I was painting or writing.
I had managed to push Kurt into the back of my mind.
But, he was still there.
And there, he would always be.
"Violet! Practice at six again tomorrow?" The bass player named Landon said, his dark curly hair swinging past his shoulders.
"Yeah, sounds good." I smiled, grabbing my bag and guitar as I headed towards the door.
"Ya know, you're um..you're very talented, Violet." He told me, a kind smile on his face.
He caught me off guard. I wasn't used to compliments anymore.
"Thanks." I smiled, before opening the door and stepping outside.
"If you don't want to I understand but I was wondering if you would like to maybe go see a movie or something?" He gulped nervously and began fidgeting with his hands.
"Fuck." I thought to myself as I suddenly wanted to vanish into thin air. I was nowhere near ready to move on.
The phrase alone sounded foreign to me.
"Moving on" from Kurt was something I wasn't sure I could do.
I convinced myself that it was only a movie, and that I should go to be nice.
"Um, sure. Just tell me when." I smiled, trying to leave as quickly as possible. I just wanted to be alone at that point.
"Are you busy right now?"
"Well..no." I sighed.
I was too nice to say no, I just couldn't do it. No matter how badly I just wanted to go home and lay face first into my pillow.
He took me to see some shitty romantic comedy that made me shift in my seat.
I was uncomfortable, and bored.
"Kurt would have taken us to see a horror movie or something. Fuck, we wouldn't even be at the movies. We'd be out spray painting things or in our own little world." I sighed, silently fussing at myself for thinking of Kurt so much.
"He doesn't give two shits about you anymore, Violet. Why the fuck are you still thinking about him? He left you, it's over." I thought. I suddenly didn't feel very good at all. The heartache had snaked back up my legs and wrapped its thorns around my throat.
"Landon, I'm really sorry, but I need to get home. I'm feeling a bit sick." I shifted my feet, trying to hide the fact that I was an inch away from bursting into tears.
"Oh no. C'mon, I'll get you home." His voice dropped a bit, disappointment lingering behind it.
The ride to my house was silent.
Neither of us said a word.
I was suddenly filled with a bit of relief when I saw my street sign.
"Thanks, I had a good time. I'll see ya at practice tomorrow." I smiled slightly, putting my hand on the door handle.
I knew it was coming.
I could sense it.
I knew he was going to try to kiss me, and I wanted out of that car before he could have the chance to do so.
He leaned towards me, a nervous expression on his face.
"Um, Landon.." I pulled away.
"What have I done?!" He spat out, a bit angrily, grabbing my wrist in the process.
"Nothing! Okay?! Now let me go!"
His grip became even firmer.
"If this is over some stupid little boy that broke your heart, Violet, forget about him. I can show you love!! I won't hurt you." His eyes frightened me, he was angry. And I knew I may have been in danger.
"You're actually hurting me now, let go of my fucking wrist before you break it." I told him, feeling the panic starting to set in.
He grabbed my face with force, and pressed his lips to mine.
I bit his lip, causing him to break away and groan in pain, holding his mouth.
I quickly pulled away and slung open the car door.
"His name was Kurt. And he was twice the man you'll ever be. Fuck you. If you ever lay a hand on me again, I'll chop your dick off. Oh, and don't bother showing up tomorrow. Obviously." I flipped him off, and quickly began walking to my front door.
"You stupid bitch!!!" He screamed angrily from the car.
I practically ran through the front door and up to my room in a fit of tears.
"I didn't even want to go out with him, and this is what I got?" I thought, falling onto my floor as I cried.
I had managed to distract myself from Kurt for awhile, but the intense ache for him came back that night.
His eyes, his lips, his hands, his voice, all came flooding into my brain.
I craved his hands holding mine, the feeling of his warm lips against my skin, and the way he would look at me with such love and care.
I craved our conversations and random laughter in the middle of the night.
I missed my best friend.
My soulmate.
I would never stop missing him.
My legs shook as I cried, and I crawled my way across my bedroom floor, over to my closet.
"This will hurt. Don't do it, Violet." I told myself, already knowing I was going to do it anyway.
I reached into the very back of the closet, and pulled out Kurt's denim jacket.
I needed a piece of him, even if it were just a jacket. I needed him.
The smell was still there.
The smell of warmth, and light.
The smell that used to bring me so much comfort, was now driving sharp knives into my soul.
I buried my face into the jacket, sobbing so much that my head was throbbing in pain.
The heartache took over me, and I suddenly found myself standing in the bathroom with a blade in my hand.
What was I doing?
I didn't know.
I slashed a "K" into my leg, and watched the blood drip onto the floor.
In that moment, nothing mattered.
"Violet! Honey, what on earth have you done?!" My aunt's distraught voice was coming from somewhere behind me.
"Great." I let myself sink down onto the floor, feeling dumb, defeated, and insane.