Maybe Just Happy - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

twenty eight: you're my home

    Krist had taken me up to the rooftop to get some fresh air.
He was so sweet for taking care of me.
He offered me a joint, and I quickly obliged.
I lit it up, sighing as I let the cool air of the night hit my face.
I felt as if I couldn't get enough air.
"This is fucked up, Krist. All of this is so fucked up." I exhaled smoke, handing it to him as I placed my aching head back into my hands.
I suddenly panicked when I heard footsteps coming up the stairway to the roof.
"Oh god..oh god.." I thought, my heart racing.
"Krist, I will fucking jump if that's him." I gritted my teeth, not wanting to turn around.
"Jesus christ, Violet, you're going to give me a heart attack. You can't be saying shit like that. It's going to be alright. I'll walk you back down if I need to." He assured me, nervously, already knowing it was going to be Kurt.
"I just uh..came up here to tell you if you still wanna play tonight, we're on in 15." Kurt cleared his throat, his voice was hoarse, but still fucking beautiful.
I really did want to jump in that moment.
It hurt so much.
Instead, I sat there in shock.
"It's up to you, Kurt. I'm up for it if you are. I just um..I'm going to make sure Violet here is alright.." Krist mumbled, frowning at me a bit.
"Okay..um..I actually..uh. Violet..can I..can I speak to you please?" He struggled to get the words out, and they were barely a mumble.
I couldn't breathe.
"What do I do?! Do I leave?? I can't. I can't fucking leave. What do I do?!" Tears were flooding my eyes again. This couldn't be happening.
Just a few days ago I was sobbing in my bed, knowing I would never speak to him again, resenting him, and missing him all at once.
Now he was here. Standing right behind me, and asking to speak to me.
I searched my brain for the right words to say.
"Um..yeah..you can." I mumbled, still not able to look at him.
"I'll leave you guys alone. I'll be right downstairs." He told us, but looking at me as if trying to tell me I could run to him for support.
Krist was such a nice guy. He was like an older brother I never had.
He patted my shoulder, and vanished.
I was alone now.
Alone with Kurt.
He cleared his throat as I stood facing away from him, looking out at the sky.
I bit my lip as it quivered, and forced myself to face him.
I was trembling.
How was it possible for him to have gotten even more beautiful than I had remembered?
And from what I remembered, he was perfect.
My heart fell deeper into my stomach when I looked at him.
His eyes were filled with tears, and the expression on his face told me that he was terrified.
"Violet..I know you hate me. I would too. You don't have to speak to me. You don't even have to listen to what I'm about to say. But, I have to try. I can't let myself let you go without telling you how fucking sorry I am."
He spoke with sincerity as tears ran down his cheeks.
"I'm going to faint" I thought, holding onto the railing behind me for support.
"You have someone else, Kurt. Even if I did forgive you, what would it matter? You moved on so fast, didn't you? I was nothing to you, Kurt! Nothing! You left me like I was nothing!!" I cried.
It was all coming out now.
Easily.
"Violet.." He whimpered, his lip quivering as he hung his head in shame.
"Go back to your girlfriend, Kurt. If she loves you anything like I did, I'm sure she's missing you a lot right now."
I couldn't stand there anymore, I was turning to dust.
I walked past him, gasping for air violently as I cried.
"Violet, no..please. Don't leave. Not yet." He begged, running behind me.
"You didn't stay when I begged you to, Kurt! You didn't care when I was breaking and pleading for you not to leave me like that. Why should I care what you want now?!"
I yelled, the anger and pain boiled in my veins.
"You shouldn't. I have no right to ask you to stay. You're right. But..I just want you to know. You want the truth, Violet? I'll give you the truth. I'll give you all of it. I don't love her. I thought maybe I could at first. I didn't even want to be with another girl. But, I was losing my mind over you. I needed a distraction but it didn't work. I think of you, Violet. I think of you every fucking day. Every time she kisses me I just want it to be you. I miss you, Violet. I wanted you to be happy. I thought I was destroying your life. I made you fight with your parents way more than what was healthy. I was ruining you, I felt. So I decided if I loved you, and I do. Believe me..Violet.. I fucking love you so much it hurts. So I let you go. I let you be free without the burden of me making your life miserable." His eyes were burning with so much passion that it almost frightened me.
He was crying.
He was being honest. There was no doubt about that.
But, I was at loss for words.
"I didn't want to be set free, Kurt. I was free when I was with you." I cried.
"Why couldn't you just realize that, Kurt?! Why couldn't you accept the fact that I love you?!" I screamed.
The anger and hurt kept pouring out, and I couldn't stop it.
Kurt's head was hanging, and he glanced back up at me with apologetic eyes.
"I'm a dumbass, Vi..I mean Violet. And I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that. I'm so fucking sorry. I hope you can someday forgive me enough to at least be friends." He sniffed, wiping his face with his sleeves.
"Friends? With Kurt? That wouldn't be possible. I'm too in love with him."
Kurt was making me fall for him all over again, and I was fighting it hard.
I didn't want to be hurt again.
I couldn't take it.
"Can I at least ask why you're here?" He finally broke the few moments of silence that had now formed between us.
"My dad is sick, basically dying. My mom wanted me to come in for the weekend, she told me about this place, and here I am. Here we are. Hah." I sighed, awkwardly clearing my throat and shifting my feet.
"I'm sorry about your dad." He told me, his passionate eyes locked on me intently.
"It's alright. I'm gonna go, though. You have a nice night. Tell your girlfriend I said hello."
I began walking away again, angry at myself for a million reasons.
"Violet, damnit!!! Stop being so stubborn. I see it in your eyes. You don't wanna leave. You're just mad."
"Damn you, Cobain. You know me better than I know myself."
I thought, sighing in defeat.
I turned back around once more to face him.
He was slowly walking towards me now.
My heart was thudding loudly, and I struggled to breathe.
He was inches away from me now, his blue eyes staring at me as if I were the most precious thing to ever grace the planet.
I hated him for making me fall so hard once again, after being so hurt.
I felt so close to fainting.
I had craved this moment for months, and now I wanted to run from it from fear.
"Violet.." He whispered my name, love filling his voice as he leaned closer to me. I could feel his breath hitting my skin.
I shivered.
It was all coming back now, the high he gave me when he was near.
"Holy shit..oh fuck.." I thought, my brain going into a frenzy.
His lips brushed against mine slowly and delicately before he kissed me with full force.
It was like an electric shock, bringing me back to life.
The person that had left me sobbing on the floor for months, was now putting the life back into me.
The rage hit me once again, and I shoved him away.
"No!! This isn't fair!!! You hurt me!! Fuck you, Kurt!! Fuck you!!!" I cried.
I felt so insane.
So embarrassed.
But, the pain took over me.
He looked shocked, and a bit confused.
"Talk to me.."
He mumbled, saddened by my sudden action, his large eyes pained and ashamed as he awaited an explanation.
"I'm sorry..I just..I've been so hurt."
I cried, covering my mouth.
I didn't know the right words to say, and I wasn't sure there even were any.
Kurt was crying again, and reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a disheveled piece of paper, and handed it to me with unsteady hands.
I opened it up, confusion across my face.
"My sweet Violet.." I read the note addressed to myself, and began to cry uncontrollably.
      "Sun beams, candy, a sweet scent of brilliancy and the unknown are what grace my nose when among your presence. You stepped into my life with no warning, and I didn't need one. You were a great shock, a great thrill.
A fire that ran through my bones and electrified me, penetrating the depths of my soul. You managed to turn cement into a liquid form again, and for that I am forever grateful. I loved you, and will forever love you until the end of all time. I know you hate me now, and that makes it very hard to want to get out of bed. I see you in my dreams every night. That fucking voice of yours will never leave my mind. I found my best friend in you, a lover, and a soulmate. I hope that you will someday understand why I have done this.
I wanted it to be us more than anything. I couldn't bear to destroy your life, I couldn't let myself do it. I loved you too much, Violet. I'm so sorry. I'm so so,  sorry. So sorry."
"I wrote it not long after you left for New York. I just..I carry it around. I wasn't sure why, but..I guess I'm glad I did." He told me, slightly blushing.
The more I looked at him, the more I wanted his lips back on mine.
Fuck.
"Stop fighting it, Violet."
I thought to myself.
We stared at each other for a few moments, neither one of us saying a word.
It was almost like we had just missed looking at one another.
His big, blue eyes were so bright that they stood out even in the night.
He was looking at me with so much passion, his long hair blowing around his beautiful face slightly in the breeze, causing his scent to blow straight into my nose.
He smelled exactly as I had remembered.
Like heaven.
I wasn't going to win this battle.
Kurt was my everything, there was no denying it.
It suddenly began to rain, pelting down on us hard and immediately leaving us drenched and slightly smirking at each other.
"Our luck." He chuckled.
I smiled at him as we remained standing in front of each other.
It was raining very hard now, but we didn't bother to move.
He cautiously reached out to caress my face, and my eyes burned for him.
He took my reaction to his touch as permission to go farther, and I now found myself being pushed towards a brick wall.
He pinned me there carefully, but with force, and crashed his lips to mine as if he needed them to breathe.
I didn't pull away.