Maybe Just Happy - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

twenty six: disbelief

I stared out from the plane window, my nerves in a mess.
The clouds below reminded me all too much of my clouded, scatter brained mind.
I was going back to the place where I left my heart.
And I knew I wouldn't be getting it back.
My mother greeted me at the airport with a solemn expression on her face.
"I missed you, Violet." She wiped some tears from her eyes, sounding genuinely like she really did miss me.
I smiled and quickly looked away.
I was angry at her, and I couldn't help it. She had taken the love of my life from me. And it made me resent her.
"How's dad?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"He's seen better days, Violet. That's for sure. It's not good. He's going into heart failure, sweetie. I'm honestly not sure if he's going to make it." She wiped more tears away, and I was left speechless.
I didn't know what to say. About anything. I was caught in a web of a million confusing emotions.
We made our way to the hospital, and my stomach was churning.
"What am I going to say to him?"
I wasn't sure. I wasn't good at these things.
He looked horrible. His skin was pale and I didn't think I had ever seen him so sick looking.
"Hi, dad." I mumbled, an uneasy expression on my face as I struggled to walk any closer.
He smiled a bit.
"Hey, kiddo."
Kiddo? He hadn't called me that in years, and my heart that was already broken, was breaking more.
"Ya having fun in New York? I hope so, Violet. I really do. I know your mother and I have been really tough on you, and I'm sorry. I strongly disagree with some of the things you do, but I know you have a heart of gold. You're becoming an adult now, and we need to accept that. I remember when you were a little girl, helping anyone that needed it. You've always been so kind. And I'm proud of you for being so strong. I love you, Violet."
My lips were trembling and I couldn't fight the tears anymore.
"I love you too, dad." I cried, taking a seat in the chair near the bed.
"Is there anything I can do for you? " I asked him, wiping my tear streaked face as I gulped nervously.
"No, sweetie. I'm okay right now. Thank you for asking."
I stayed with him for awhile longer before my mom took me home. Or to my old home, rather.
I stared out the window of the car with sleepy, exhausted eyes.
"Hey Violet? I know you're tired. And I know you don't want to speak to me. But..I heard something about an open mic night at a place just down the road. And I thought you might be interested. I've heard you singing, Violet. You're talented. I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother." She smiled a little.
"And you'd let me go?" I asked, a bit harshly.
"I wouldn't be telling you this if I wasn't going to let you go, Violet." She huffed in defeat.
"I can drop you off. Just say the words." She told me, turning a corner as my heart rate began to quicken.
"Should I go? What will I even play? Fuck. I have my guitar with me. What the hell do I have to lose anyway? Nothing. I have got nothing to lose."
I thought, chewing on my bottom lip, nervously. I sighed, making my final decision.
"Okay. I'll go." I nervously mumbled.
She smiled and quickly turned a corner. We arrived at a small club, and I gulped as she parked the car.
"You've got this. There's a pay phone right outside there, call me when you're ready to be picked up. Good luck, sweetie." She smiled, and handed me my guitar out of the back seat as I climbed out of the car.
"Uh, thanks mom. I really, um..I really appreciate this." I stumbled over my words, I couldn't see straight. Everything was happening at once, changing in front of my eyes.
I was not prepared.
I walked through the doors of the run down building, my palms sweating with fear.
The place wasn't too packed, thankfully. But it was far from being empty. I looked around the room, eying the crowd until my eyes caught a tall, dark headed guy. A very tall guy.
It was Krist.
My heart thudded out of my chest and I wanted to run away as quickly as possible, but my legs would not move.
I was suddenly backing up into a wall with a horrified look on my face.
"Are you okay, miss?" A random guy asked me. I must have looked terrified.
"Uh..uh..yeah, I'm fine." My voice was barely a whisper.
The guy shrugged, and walked away into the crowd.
"I have to get out of here. Now." I thought, tears forming in my eyes for the billionth time that day.
"Holy shit!!!! Violet!!! What the hell are you doing here?!" Krist yelled, now running over to me.
"Fuck!!!!" My mind screamed. I wanted to run out the door, but I couldn't.
My eyes darted quickly around him, and he could tell exactly what was wrong.
"Don't worry, Violet. He's..he's uh not here yet. Hah, you know him. Always running a bit late. Uh..so how the hell are you, girl?! If it helps any, I've missed you!" He grinned his goofy grin and slung his arm around me.
"He's not here yet? Who is he with? He always rode with the guys.." My mind spun as I struggled to focus.
"My dad is sick, and my mom wanted me to fly in for the weekend. So..here I am. She told me about an open mic night and I figured I've got nothing to lose anymore so I was going for it. But, I'm not so sure now. I think I'm going to go ahead and leave." I sighed.
"Hell no, you aren't leaving!! Fuck that!" He smiled.
"Krist..I can't. Honestly I cannot handle seeing him. You know this." My eyes were filling with tears when I realized Kurt would be walking in those doors any second. I felt as if I was going to pass out.
"Uh..um..hey Violet! Come this way! Hurry! You gotta see this! It's so cool!" He took my arm and pulled me through the crowd quickly.
"Krist, what the fuck is going on man?! Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?! Where are you taking me?!" I exclaimed, my knees weak in fear.
"You'll see! Hurry!!" He yelled, pushing a path through the crowd.
"Check out this badass new bass I got!!" He smiled, lifting it up like a proud new parent.
I raised an eyebrow and laughed a bit.
"That's rad, Krist. But, we had to hurry for this why??" I laughed, confused by his odd actions. My eyes scanned the crowd as I awaited an answer.
But, he didn't need to reply.
His plan to distract me had failed.
There he was.
The guy who forever had my heart in his hands.
I gasped, almost as if I were in pain.
Kurt was standing near the doors, a smile on his face as he shook his long, blonde hair away from it. He looked even more gorgeous than I had remembered.
I suddenly noticed a girl next to him, her arm intertwined with his.
I covered my mouth with my hand, tears flooding from my eyes as I ran towards the bathrooms in the back.
I couldn't do this.
I could not bear to look at him, and know that he did not want me anymore.
I could not see him with someone else.
He had found someone new.
I didn't need to know this.
My heart was breaking in a way I never thought possible.
I wanted to die.