Maybe Just Happy - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

forty five: in bloom

"Violet..do you want me to go to the store with you?" I heard the words that were coming from Sarah's mouth, but it sounded like a million buzzing bees instead.

"What's going on?" Emma said curiously, coming out of the bathroom with a towel on her head.

"Nothin'..but..we may have a fourth member of Velouria." Sarah said, holding back the smirk on her face.

"What?!" Emma exclaimed, obviously confused.

"Relax, its only for nine months." Sarah winked.

Emma suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, her brown eyes large and her mouth hanging opened.

"VIOLET!!! HOLY SHIT!" She screamed, lunging herself across the room and onto the bed that I was kicked back on.

"You guys..calm the fuck down. I'm not even for sure that I am yet.." My voice was a quivering mumble.

My head was spinning quickly, which wasn't helping the overwhelming nausea. I didn't feel ready to be a mom. It seemed like everything had just started. Shows..drugs..tours. I was just becoming used to everything that was becoming my life, and now there was a high chance that I now had our child growing inside of me.
The tiny alien in the painting was becoming suddenly real, and I felt as if I were coming out of my body.
I numbly stood up from the bed, and slid on my dirty sneakers.
I was wearing Kurt's pajama bottoms and a cut off t-shirt, openly showing my stomach.
I looked down at myself, goosebumps appearing across my body as I observed the slightest buldge that seemed to be going across my lower stomach, so slight that I felt I may have just been going insane and imagining it.

I slipped on his sweater..wiping the tears from my eyes with the sleeve as his lingering scent escaped from it, making me wish more than anything that he could be by my side..and followed Sarah out the door.

It was surreal.
I was holding a pregnancy test in my hand as I bit on my lower lip, grabbing a second one..just to be sure.
Sarah was attempting to comfort me in any way she could, and eventually had to pay for them for me as I waited outside..an explosive mess of sobs.

I took the first test before nervously pacing on the balcony of our hotel, waiting on the news that could change my life forever.

"Vi..do you want me to tell you? Or do you wanna look for yourself?" Emma asked me, biting on her lower lip as she stood in the doorway of the balcony, holding the stick in her hand that had my future stuck to it.

I took a deep, quivering breath filled with angst.
"Just tell me." I managed to spit out, grasping the railing behind me tightly as I felt myself becoming dizzy.

"Well..um. Violet..you're pregnant. Or..so it says. Do you wanna take the second one to be sure?" Emma's voice sounded as if it were leaking from a distant dream. I heard the words, resulting in me sliding myself to the ground and wrapping my hands around my stomach.
I suddenly found it very hard to breathe.

So I was pregnant.
Kurt and I were going to have a baby.
I wasn't sure what to do first..so I covered my face in my hands.

"Violet? Hey? Shit.
C'mon, Vi..its going to be alright. You need to breathe. I know this is scary. But its going to be alright." Sarah was at my side, as my body convulsed with sharp gasps and tears.
I was terrified.
Absolutely terrified.
I placed my trembling hand upon my lower stomach, as the tiny alien baby that Kurt painted spun in my brain.

"How the fuck am I even going to tell him?!" My rapid thoughts spun, and I suddenly found myself running to the bathroom for the billionth time that day.

"Oh god..Violet. We need to cancel these last two shows and get you home, don't you think?" Emma was graciously behind me, holding my hair back as I threw up once again.
I didn't know what I would do without her..or Sarah. They were both so kind, always looking out and taking care of me, and I tried my best to do the same for them.

"No. I can't do that. I can't just quit. I'll be fine." My voice barely sounded like my own, barely there, a hoarse whisper.

"Yeah, Violet..that's what you told Kurt on the phone last night, and its pretty clear that its not the truth. Look at yourself. You're a mess." She sighed, causing my brain to linger to the night before.

"Violet, you almost collapsed on stage already. Come home. You can't lie to me. You aren't alright."

"And how the fuck would you know, Kurt?"

"Because you're fucking famous now, Violet. You stubborn little shit. Word gets around. You're worrying me fucking sick."

"Its only two shows, Kurt. I'm fine. You of anyone else should understand. I have to play. I'm alright."

"Fine. Have it your way then, Violet."

Our conversation the night before ended with a sigh of anguish coming from his lips, and the harsh beep of the phone. Echoing through my ears like a neverending metronome.
I didn't sleep much after that, dreaming of the alien baby when I did..as if I already knew.
I sort of did, in a way.
I had felt a flower blooming in my womb, but thought it was only a mere hallucination.
The baby was real.
The flower was in bloom.

I stood up from the cold bathroom tile, and sulked back to bed, numb and confused.
I pulled the blankets over my head, and forced myself into dreamland.
Once again, I dreamt of odd things.
Real things. Things that were making me want to umzip myself like a suit.

I awoke to a note on the bed, telling me that the girls went out to get food, and were bringing me "enough for two!" I cringed.
My thoughts once again shifted to how I was going to tell Kurt..but were soon halted by a knock on the door.

"Housekeeping! Open up! Heard some girls in here trashed the place!"
I thought I was dreaming when I heard his voice..coming from the other side of the door.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't breathe.
Instead, my hormones decided that I needed to cry..hard.

"Hey..you guys? Violet?! It's Kurt! Open the door!" He knocked once again, and my feet numbly carried me out of bed.

"Violet?! Are you crying? Open the door baby, I had to come. I had to make sure you're okay and I know you're not. Please..let me in.."
I could hear the worry flooding his voice, forcing me to place my hand on the doorknob before slowly pulling it opened.

"Violet.." He was practically breathless as I stood there in his pajamas, my hair in a mess and dark circles beneath my eyes, tears pooling themselves up with no thought.

That was all it took.
One look at him.
I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him as I buried my face against his chest.
My body shook with sobs as I stuggled to catch my breath.

"Hey..hey. Violet. Look at me. What's going on, baby? Please talk to me..you don't have to be afraid. I've got you." He stroked the back of my head gently, moving my hair back from my eyes as I tried to breathe.

The test was in my pocket, resting against my leg like a pound of bricks.
I stared at Kurt for a moment, watching his blue eyes as they spun with confusion and fear.
His golden hair was framed around his face damply, making his jawline stand out even more.
I forced a smile at him, staring at him as if what I was about to tell him may rip him away forever.

I took his hand, and caressed my fingers against his.
"I love you.." I told him, biting on my quivering bottom lip as I felt more tears coming.

"I love you too, Vi." He smiled slightly, his emotion filled eyes questioning my strange actions.

I reached into my pocket.
My fingers trembled as they hit the test, and I stared into his fiery blue orbs, almost as if I were begging for help.

"I'm pregnant."
I spoke the words numbly,
and was hit with blue fire.
Fire that had now turned to water.
An ocean so heavy that it pulled the man in front of me to his knees.