Bucket List | Jack Duff

t w e n t y - f i v e

*could potentially be triggering towards people who have family members or friends with leukemia or have lost family members or friends to it. if you feel like you cannot put yourself through the strain of reading this, please don't, i don't want to see you upset*

ARIA

Things are better this morning. I haven't been sick and I haven't coughed up any more horrible stuff. The only bad thing is that I feel strange. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel empty on the inside, hollow even, like there's something missing but I can't pin point what.

We were going out today, spending our first full day in Paris, and I was hoping that it would take my mind off things as I was becoming increasingly worried about myself, but the boys had no idea - I don't want to ruin what they have going for them right now and they're so happy and content and I'm not being the one to ruin that.

Andy and Rye wanted to go straight to the Eiffel Tower because they wanted to be tourists, Brook wanted to go and be adventurous and try some snails and Mikey and Jack wanted to go visit the Musee D'Orsay which is where the Mona Lisa hangs and then go on a bike tour afterwards, which sounded strenuous, but I didn't complain. We eventually decided on going to the Eiffel Tower tomorrow as we wanted a full day entirely to do that, and we would get food after our adventures today, so Mikey and Jack won the decision.

BASICALLY, THIS IS MUSEE D'ORSAY AND ITS LIKE A MASSIVE MUSEUM IN PARIS WHICH IS LIKE A POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTION (I GOOGLED IT I WAS STUCK FOR IDEAS) AND THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ITS REALLY PRETTY

It ended up being a very beautiful attraction that we were all fascinated by, and it left us all in awe about the things we were missing by staying in our own country. We left early, as Andy started complaining he wanted to move a little more instead of just standing still, and I was pretty thankful for that as I started feeling yuck again (probably from the warmth of the museum) and wanted to get some fresh air.

We found a place then which rented out bikes for people to ride, and we took one of the longest routes, just to grab as much culture as we could while we were here.

"Your own bike, or ride with me?"Jack asked me as we approached the woman.

"Ride with you" I chuckled. "I'm lazy". Really, 'I'm lazy' meant 'I feel really sick and feel like if I get on a bike everything is going to come out to you', but I wasn't gonna say that.

Jack thought nothing of it as he asked for a two seater, and I was glad I was able to lie thickly enough that he couldn't see it. Nobody can know. Nobody.

We were riding along all happily, as Brook and Mikey slowed on behind us and Andy and Rye racing on ahead, Jack seemed quiet until he spoke up.

"I saw you and Brook arguing in the airport yesterday" he piped up suddenly. "And I know you haven't spoken to him since. Has something happened?"

He was right with that. I hadn't spoken to Brook since our confrontation yesterday, and no matter how many times he tried I wouldn't be left alone with him.

"We're okay" I said. "He found me in the bathroom yesterday night when I went to get a drink and was adamant I was being sick, but I wasn't, I was just cold and my throat was dry. He keeps asking me about it and it's getting a little frustrating which was why I blew at him yesterday"

"Were you being sick?" he asked me slowly, and my heart bat hard against my ribs, him having asked the question I wish he hadn't. "Because if you were, you need to tell me. I can help you"

I took a deep breath and treid to calm myself.

"Jack, don't worry" I said. "Nothing bad happened. I literally only went to get a drink"

"Are you sure?" he pushed and I was very tempted to dive off the bike right there and then to stop myself from spilling anything to him.

"Do you want me to dive off and walk the rest of the way back" I chuckled, trying to joke around with him. "I'm sure, you know I'd tell you if there was something wrong"

"No, please don't" he laughed along with me. "I'll stop asking questions. I trust you"

Well, you shouldn't, but okay.

We made small talk then, about the rest of our trip and what would happen when we got home. I tried to veer him away from the topic of me, because I knew that when we got home it wouldn't be very long until I got moved into a hospice and got told to stay put. That was going to be the worst bit, moving away from home and knowing I'd never go back.

Even while we're here in Paris, I eel things are moving too fast, and things are happening quicker than I want them to. I know all of this sickness and coughing is just rebound of my body weakening, but I don't want it to happen yet. I don't want to die, not yet, just give me a few more weeks. I feel like I haven't gotten out of life what I've wanted to and it's hurting me to think I might not end up doing.

It's a touchy subject to talk about, for anyone, the thought of dying, but it happen to everyone but I don't want it. I accepted it at first, knowing there was nothing I could do about it, but now I want to stop it, do anything I can to slow down the process and make it not happen as fast, or at all. I don't want to die anymore, I want to live a life on with these lads and watch them get famous and become successful and I want to be with Jack, and spend a life with him, make a family with him and die with him, before going anywhere.

I'm seventeen. I shouldn't be going anywhere at this age, not yet.