Bucket List | Jack Duff

t h i r t y

*could potentially be triggering towards people who have family members or friends with leukemia or have lost family members or friends to it. if you feel like you cannot put yourself through the strain of reading this, please don't, i don't want to see you upset*     

ARIA

I have really bad news. I think today, may be the last. And I'm not just saying that, I think I can feel it. I can't seem to keep myself awake and I can normally fight that urge better than anybody, I've completely lost my appetite and I don't feel like drinking anything. Everything is just so irregular, and Nicole is constantly with me now, even when the boys are here. It's like she knows, and I think the boys are starting to clock on.

Jack hasn't left my side in days. He's my best friend and my boyfriend, he's going to be able to sense something's wrong from not just the way I'm acting, but from what he can feel coming from me. It's always been like that - a little like we're telepathic. I could always tell a few days before Jack was going to come down with some deathly illness and I would always be right, and now it's his turn to notice something is wrong with me.

The other boys are dithering. I think they've clocked on what's going on, but don't want to believe it, which is why they're walking on egg shells around me and I kinda wish they wouldn't - I don't want things to chnage today. I want everything to be normal. 

"Hey Jack" I said softly, my voice barely even a whisper. "Are you okay?"

He'd been staring down at my bed for the past five minutes and hadn't looked up, and at first I was worried he was crying but he turned to look at me and his face just looked sad.

"Do you want the truth?" he asked. "Or do you want me to lie to you?"

"I would appreciate it if you didn't lie" I said, chuckling a little but breaking out into an intense coughing fit so it took Jack another five minutes before he could speak.

"I'm not okay" he said softly, and his voice broke a little. "And after today, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be okay again. It just, doesn't feel real"

I patted the spot beside me on my bed, and came to lay next to me. He turned to face me and I gave him a smile, and he smiled back at me, the first smile I'd seen him give in days.

"Listen to me" I said. "Maybe today, isn't the best day in the course of history, for either of us, but it will be okay. You will be okay, and never say that you won't be. You know, and I know, that things are going to be hard for the next few weeks, but that doesn't mean to say things aren't going to get better. As my mum always says, there's a light at the end of every tunnel, no matter how long, dirty or dark. It's up to you whether you find that light, but no matter what goes on with you, that light will always be there"

Jack started to tear up slightly, but I still carried on.

"You're a strong lad Jack, and I know this because I've seen you be strong before. Hell, you've been being strong for the past year, I don't know anyone who would've been able to get through what you have, like you have. You've looked after me, you've been with me nearly every single day for 365 days and that's dedication. Your willpower is among the strongest I've seen, and even though sometimes you're not the best at holding yourself together, you handle situations better than a lot of people out there and for that I'm proud of you. Even when I'm not here anymore, I know you're gonna be the strongest person I know"

I set him off crying then, and we lay, cuddling, while I let him cry on me.

"You're such a special person" he said through his tears. "Like, there's nobody out there that's as positive as you while also going through such an awful experience. I'm so lucky to have you as my girlfriend, but this is what's going to make it the hardest to let you go. I don't want you to go anywhere, I want to make a family with you, but I can't"

"But you can with somebody else" I said to him softly, stroking his hair with my free hand that wasn't holding his own. "You're going to become the most amazing father, and an even better husband, but not with me - but hey, that's okay. You're going to grow into such an amazing person and the band is going to go places, and even though you won't be able to see me, I'll be there, guiding you through life, I absolutely promise"

There was a silence as Jack cried on me a little more before he spoke again.

"You can let go" he said finally, and I never thought I'd hear him say them words to me. "If you feel like you want to, or you feel like you need to, you can let go. I'll be here with you, but let go whenever you want and I promise everything is gonna be okay"

I cuddled him again, getting emotional myself after hearing him say them words, and we stayed like that for a long while, until eventually, Jack fell asleep on me, the lack of sleep he'd had the past few days catching up on him. Deciding that, that was probably the best thing for me to do right now if I wanted any good to come out of this situation, I willed myself to sleep along side him, and it worked as I fell into a black oblivion.

— — — — — — —

It was the middle of the night, and nobody was awake or around, when there was sudden noise from the hospital room. Aria was trembling like crazy, and had managed to pull herself from within the blankets and drag herself onto the floor. With great effort and weak limbs, she detached herself from all the wiring and machines she was connected to, and dragged herself over to the window, scratching at the blinds in an attempt to get them open.

Whether it was the loud, uncontrollable beeping of the machines, or the scratching at the blinds that provoked him, but Jack was now awake, and didn't even need to steal a single glance in Aria's direction to know exactly what was afoot and what was about to happen.

He jumped down onto the floor beside her with no hesitation, and was gently trying to pry her from the blinds when Nicole came running into the room. She looked at Ari, and then looked at Jack, and her eyes clouded, like she knew without even having to ask, but ran away again, saying she was fetching a doctor despite it.

Ari didn't seem to know what was going on and didn't seem to be processing her surroundings, but her body relaxed at Jack's touch like she knew he was there and he managed to pull her away from the blinds. He opened them a slight crack, so the moonlight was shining on her face a little as she lay in his arms, knowing that was what she wanted.

"Jack" she said, barely a whisper as she shook in his hold. "Jack, where are you?"

She kept repeating these lines until Jack hushed her gently.

"I'm here Ari, I'm here" he said, holding her tightly and she relaxed a little. "Follow my voice"

"I wanna see the sky" she said softly, and Jack's heart began to tear.

"You wanna see the sky?" Jack asked, his voice trembling. "Look up Ari, look up"

The moment that Jack had been dreading for a year, arrived quicker than he ever would've dreamed it to, as Aria's eyes fell closed and she fell soft into his arms, looking up at the ceiling and finally seeing what she'd clambered out of bed for. He held her close, and could do nothing but cry as he waited for Nicole to arrive back in the room, realise what had just happened and grab somebody to take her from him.

He reached up to below the windowsill where Ari was just climbing, and brought a piece of paper from the floor where she'd knocked it, opening it up and reading through the words.

Aria's last goal on her bucket list was to see the sky – and she completed it.

*HOLY FUCK IM CRYING AND IM THE AUTHOR*