Bucket List | Jack Duff

t w e n t y - s e v e n

*could potentially be triggering towards people who have family members or friends with leukemia or have lost family members or friends to it. if you feel like you cannot put yourself through the strain of reading this, please don't, i don't want to see you upset*

ARIA

We're flying home today. I had to ring my mum and dad, tell them what had happened and they called the hospice they had on call since things started to go downhill; it's where I'm heading as soon as we get off in London. The boys haven't said much - actually, they haven't said anything at all apart from Jack, who just questioned what I'd been hiding and I told him everything.

They feel numb. It's like they've all just been slapped round the face and they don't know what to say or do. To be honest, I don't know what to do either. I knew this was coming, and I knew it was going to happen eventually, but now it's actually happening and somebody's actually addressed it to me, I don't know what to say or do. Everything is numb.

Jack had his leant against the window and instead of being asleep like he would usually be, he was wide awake, but his eyes seemed clouded and he looked lost.

"Are you mad?" I said and he jumped a little, as if deep in thought and I disturbed him.

"Huh?" he asked, having not heard me the first time.

"I said, are you mad?" I repeated and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Mad?" he said. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because I didn't tell you what was happening. I lied about being sick and I lied about the coughing. I lied about the tiredness; I basically lied about everything" I said, getting upset.

For the first time since what happened, Jack pulled me close to him and he seemed to relax a little, like he'd been waiting for the right moment to hold me.

"I could never be mad at you" he said softly. "Never. No matter how badly you lied and no matter how much immediate danger you could've put yourself in if you carried on, I still wouldn't be mad. I know you were only trying to protect us, and not get us worried, which is why I'm not in any way mad. You put us before yourself despite the circumstances and I respect that"

I leaned against him, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

"It hurts" he said suddenly. "To know it's finally happening"

"I know it does" I said, understanding him completely. "It hurts me too"

"I don't want to lose you" he said and his voice was trembling slightly.

"You're not losing me yet" I said. "Don't think so far ahead. I'm still here"

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We hadn't even been in the hospice ten minutes, before I made a friend. I'd been assigned a doctor and her name was Nicole - she would be someone who would stay with me for the whole of my stay here, and if I had any questions or concerns, it was her I needed to go to.

"Can you boys give me and Aria a minute alone?" she asked the lads gently and Jack looked at me, as if expecting me to object but I nodded.

"Go" I said. "I'll be fine. Go and explore a bit, come back in about five or ten minutes"

I gave Jack a smile to reassure him, and him and the boys left me and Nicole.

"Okay, so" she said, sitting on the edge of my bed. "You've seemed a little stressed ever since you walked in, and here we try and avoid people getting stressed because we don't like seeing it. You know you have me now, and you're going to have me until you no longer need me, so if you have any issues, you can tell me what's going on. Is there something you wanna speak about?"

I sighed a little, and nodded, feeling like I could trust her.

"I'm scared" I admitted, and I felt young, like I was a child who'd had a bad dream. "Like, when I found out this was going to happen, I wasn't scared and I felt brave, because I was the one who would reassure everyone and I was the one who would always be the person to make everyone smile, but when we went to Paris and all that bad stuff happened, I didn't feel so brave anymore. The world kinda caved in, and I remembered what was going on inside me and I remembered what was happening and I'm terrified. I don't want to go"

She moved up closer to where I was sat criss-cross apple sauce on my bed and took me by the shoulders, pulling me into a hug which I didn't refuse.

"There's nothing to be frightened of" she said to me as we hugged. "I promise. It will happen smoothly, and the build up won't be too horrible either, and it won't hurt at all. We'll make sure there's somebody constantly with you, even if it's one of your boys, because then you won't be alone no matter what, and you won't have to be frightened. I'll be here around the clock and if you ever need me I'll be with you. Everything is going to be okay"

And I believed her.

"I'm gonna go hop onto doing your paperwork so I have more time if you need me, so make yourself at home, decorate with pictures or whatever you want" she said, getting up off my bed. "Are you okay, do you need anything?"

"I'm fine" I said, smiling at her gently. "See you soon"

She waved before she left the room, and I got up, opening the bag my mum had given me before she rushed off home again to go and get me more things. I thought it was just a bag of clothes, and things I'd need for over night, but it was a bag full of my favourite possessions.

She'd put in all my favourite photo frames, my Polaroid washing line (which was falling to bits from the journey but would be an easy fix), she'd brought my favourite photo albums (she knows when I'm sad I like to look at them) and she'd put in some of the things I'd collected whenever I went on some type of outing with Jack or the boys.

Even if things are bad, I'm going to make everything seem okay.