Bucket List | Jack Duff

t w e n t y - n i n e

*could potentially be triggering towards people who have family members or friends with leukemia or have lost family members or friends to it. if you feel like you cannot put yourself through the strain of reading this, please don't, i don't want to see you upset*   

*listen to In the Arms of an Angel - Sarah McLachlan on repeat while reading this. I did, and I cried despite knowing what was going on and what was being said*

*this is going to be the LONGEST chapter in the book*

ARIA

Admittedly, things are not the best right now. I'm growing weaker, and the boys got news this morning that it's time to start saying goodbye. I didn't even retaliate - I know what's coming and I can feel it, so it's better now than never, even if it doesn't happen today.

We have a system, one I've managed to create, despite how weak I am. Just because we know it could happen any day now, I want it to be now, instead of later. I don't want to put it off and then the boys never get the chance to properly say goodbye. They were gonna come in, one by one and just talk to me like normal humans. No proper, goodbye, because I don't want to say goodbye. It'll be a bit like a see you later kind of thing, not a proper goodbye.

- - - - 

It felt weird when Brooklyn let himself in, alone. He never usually comes in here alone, always admitting that he's too frightened in case something happens to me and he has no idea what to do in the case of that. I waved him over, after noticing he seemed to not know what to do.

"Come sit" I said softly, patting beside me on the bed. "Just because I can't run after you anymore doesn't mean I won't find other ways of getting your attention"

He gave a light chuckle, sitting on the bed.

"Do you remember that time" I started a conversation with him, to try and ease the discomfort I knew he was feeling. "When we walked through the woods at midnight, and I explained to you all about them tree spirits and what different ones looked like"

"How could I forget" he said, and his voice cracked slightly. "Ever since whenever I go out and there's trees, I look and try to identify different spirits. You've got me hooked, and it's all because I was frightened of a little dark. I'm kinda glad I was now"

I chuckled gently, putting my hand atop his.

"I want you to do something for me" I said to him. "Next week, when you get some time alone away from all the studio madness and away from the boys, go into the woods we explored that night, but when it's light this time, and go and find mine"

"But-wait" he said, and I stopped him.

"No buts" I said. "Go and find mine, and look after it for me. I know I can trust you"

"What if it isn't there?" he said, and he sounded really sad and broken.

"It'll be there" I said to him, giving his hand a squeeze. "You'll know when you see it. I promise you Brooklyn, when you get to those woods, my tree spirit will be there"

He got upset then, not being able to hold in all the emotions he'd been holding back. I know things had been hitting him hard since we came back from Paris, but he was being strong about it all and holding back his emotions, but when it came down to us speaking like this of things in this subject area, he couldn't take it.

"I can't believe I'm having to do this" he said to me and I took him by the shoulders and hugged him, while I let him cry on me. Brooklyn doesn't often cry, and seeing him cry now hurt.

"This isn't goodbye" I said softly. "This is see you later. I'm not gong to be gone forever and I'll be here until I'm not. And even then, I won't be completely gone, I'll just be, half gone"