DOUBLE DEUCES (Part 4)

Mixed Emotions

What the hell am I doing? That is the question I ask myself on a regular basis these day's. I've got myself into some deep water's and I don't know how to get out. I just keep sinking down into the depths of some dark oblivion. I tell myself that I must stop this, but I honestly don't know if I want to. Even if I did, I don't know if I could.

If I'm ever found out, a lot of people is going to get hurt, myself included. I know the risks and consequences but I'm to far gone to turn back now. I'm playing a deadly game of Russian roulette and London Harper is the bullet.

I'm not married to just any woman, no I'm married to the kings only daughter and the future kings sister. If I'm discovered there will be hell to pay, no matter how close I am to the main family.

Do I feel like shit for what I'm doing, absolutely. I can't look Miri in the eye's these day's and I try to stay away from home as much as possible. Guilt can be vicious. I tell myself everyday that it's over, I want go back, I want do it again but eventually I found myself wrapped in Erica's arm's with her legs wrapped around my waist.

It all started by accident. Duiring the time Laney was in a coma due to the attack, Miri was super busy helping out, taking care of her Pape as well as our son. There was no time left for us. I don't begrudge her for being with her parents duiring this time, I understand. However I grew lonely and felt left out. Honestly it started way before Laney fell ill.

Miri has always been a perfectionist to the point it can become quite annoying and interferes with all our activities. I can't just wake in the morning and have a quickie. No, she has to hop up to brush her teeth, tidy her hair and apply a bit of make up. By the time she comes back the mood has passed and I need to prepare for work.

It doesn't just stop there though, everything has to be scheduled around my son. It's as if I don't matter anymore. Then she stresses over her cooking and anal about things being clean and organized. No matter how many time's I reassure her that the house is amazing, the food is good, and to this day she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, it's not enough.

By doing this she wears herself out and stays in a nervous wreck. Gone is the fun, the spontaneity, the wild love making. I'm lucky If I get some of her ass once a month. Yes, I know we are parent's now, but that doesn't mean we can't have anymore fun times.

Truth is I think we jumped into all this too quickly. I know I did some beat up shit to Miri in the beginning and in my own way asking for her hand in marriage and giving her another baby was my way to make it all up to her. I wasn't ready for marriage, much less a baby.

We rushed into this with mere infatuation and lust. I do think I once did love Miri, but it wasn't this new Miri. It was the Miri that was cold to me, teased me, made me want her more than life itself. Now that I have this beauty I'm not sure I want her. The chase is gone, our love stale. 

I was more in love with the idea of being with her beauty and tight figure. So accustomed to hearing our parent's insist that we were born for each other, I eventually believed it. I thought this is what I was supposed to do. I still care for Miri deeply and cherish my son. The last thing I want to do is hurt either of them.

Anyways while Laney was down and everyone else wrapped up in their own worlds I bumped into Erica in the city one day. Having met her only a few time's I had to focus a moment to realize who she was. We made pleasant conversation and I offered her a ride to her brother Jax's place. It was all harmless. Once there she thanked me and we chatted a bit longer. It felt wonderful to have someone ask how I was and just talk to without discussing work, dirty diapers, healthy food, and bed times.

I don't know why, but I went looking for her a few day's later and joined her for lunch. This became our thing and before two weeks was up, I had slept with her. I rent a hotel room using cash only and stay on my p's and q's.

As far as Erica goes, I do really like her. She gives me everything I miss, everything that Miri and I don't share anymore. Love is still far in the future but I'm excited to see where this could go. There's only one problem... the Harper's.

I know beyond a doubt that if I leave Miri for another my head will be only the chopping block. I would have to leave the mafia behind, leave my child, my family. Even then I would still be a wanted man.... No one just leaves the mafia, there's only one way out...death.

My constant nagging question is, is it all worth it. I love the mafia, born and breed. Could I go from this and live a normal life? I'd always be looking over my shoulder for the one's sent to kill me for leaving so dishonorablely. No matter who my father is it won't mean a thing and I'm sure the Harper's won't even atest for me once they learn what I've done to Miri. I've seen men kill their own son's for leaving and bringing shame to the family.

But I want that life free of all the mafia laws. I want fun, freedom, normalcy. All the same things that my father and even London wanted but never had the balls to go after.

Still unsure of what to do, I rose from Erica's bed and started to slip into my clothes. She sat up and whispered. "Your going home to her now aren't you?"

"She is my wife Erica".

Touching my back lightly she said. "You need to tell her about us Cole".

I fucking knew that, but how? Not saying more, I slipped from her room and made my way home.