DOUBLE DEUCES (Part 4)

In Mourning

No matter what anyone said, anyone did... There was no getting over this.

That moment will forever be burned into my memory, my heart, my soul. All I can remember is her beautiful face looking up at me smiling with so much love. My hands settled on her waist as we teased each other. Then all of a sudden her body lurched forward, her smile faded and her eye's locked on mine until she crumbled lifeless at my feet. I heard the last sweet breath she took. I felt when her heart of gold stopped beating.

The thing's I should've done different kept running through my mind. I should've got her in the clear, I should've ran to her, I should've never involved her in this lifestyle. All of it is my fault, I'm to blame. My wife's blood is on my hands. I'll never forgive myself and I'll never love another. The moment she died, I died as well.

The past few day's have been unbearably hard. I can't set foot in our apartment because I see all her thing's  and fall apart. She should be hear using her thing's. Her ugly orange pajama bottoms lay across the foot of our bed waiting for her return. Her voice haunts me duiring the day and my dreams aren't peaceful either. I can't even look her mother in the eye's. I'm afraid all I would see is blame and hatred. One thing's for sure though, I will always look after Samantha's mother.

It just isn't fair. Our marriage hadn't even gotten off the ground. We were still newly weds. We had recently started discussing the idea of children, children that will never be now. I vividly recall her saying she wanted a girl first just to put me through hell, knowing I'd be crazy protective over her. Then she wanted a son just like me.

Today was the day I laid my cupcake to rest and said my final goodbyes. I went all out and purchased nothing but the best for my cupcake, the finest. The hardest part was picking out her dress. I decided on a pale green one that she loved. She referred to it as her lucky dress. Every time she wore it thing's went her way. It wasn't the fanciest but that's what Samantha loved about it. She was never the glitzy glamorous type. As my last tribute to her, I made sure she would be laid to rest as the person she truly was. Of course I allowed her mother to help with the arrangements, I owed her that.

The service was beautiful or as beautiful as death could be. Her favorite flowers adorned the entire room. Before the service began the family stood back as I said my final goodbyes to my wife. Looking into that casket was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. She was so pale but peaceful. She reminded me of sleeping beauty but I knew if I kissed her, her eye's would remain closed. Her make up wasn't overdone and her hair was styled as usual. I placed my large, warm hand over her small, cold hand and it broke my heart all over again when I didn't feel her grasp my hand back. Tears streamed from my eye's as I silently begged her to wake up, smile at me and tell me this was all a bad dream. I'd give anything to hear her call me Defucko again. I finally said my last word's to her. "Sam baby, I hope you know just how much you meant to me. I'll never get over you, I don't even want to. I'm so so sorry cupcake that I let you down, I wasn't there for you. God if I could do it over I would gladly take your place. You was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm gonna carry you with me everywhere".

I had to stop because my voice broke off and gave way to sobs. Taking a moment to compose myself I continued. "Everyday, every minute you'll be with me. I promise to you that whoever is responsible for this will die a slow agonizing death. You was my life cupcake and they'll never be another.".

I knew I needed to finish up but it was so hard to leave her. Bending down I placed my last and final kiss onto her once vibrant lips. "Watch over me cupcake. I love you so much my baby".

Forcing myself to step away from her, my family was there waiting to envelope me. I turned to look one more time and saw the lid being lowered on the casket. The sound seemed so dark, so final. My Pape and Cole had to hold me up to keep me from falling to my knees.

Once the ceremony started I was phased out. I recall Miri giving a speech as well as a few other's but I couldn't tell you what was said. The place was packed with family, friends, even other mob families paying their respects as well as showing they wasn't guilty of this. I can promise that soon as this dreadful day is over I will be on the hunt for blood. God won't even be able to save the person responsible for Sam's death.

The ride to the cemetery seemed to streach for miles. She was being placed in the family plot, right beside my grandmother. One day I would lie beside her and be together once again. The next hardest part came and that was the lowering of the casket. Never in my life had I felt so weak but I didn't care. My life ended that day as well. Once it was complete I stayed back as everyone wondered off. Either leaving or huddling into group's chatting.  I sat on the ground by this gaping hole that had swallowed my cupcake. I don't know how long I had sat there but a gentle mist came from the gray skies. It was only fitting that the skies would cry as well on this day. For the skies understood what a amazing person my Samantha was.

Eventually Miri joined my side holding a umbrella over us both. Shortly Cole sat down on the other side of me. He took the umbrella from Miri holding it over us all. I don't know how long we sat there but they didn't get up until I did. They just sat beside me in the silence. Miri had laid her head against my shoulder and linked her arm through mine while Cole would give me the occasional reassuring pat. And here we was again, just the three of us. The way it's been since childhood, always supporting each other, knowing when to be silent and when to talk.