The Life of an Introvert

Helping Shy Kids

For those of you that have ever been a kid (So everyone, basically) or anyone who has SEEN a kid in public, you have probably been in or witnessed this situation.

You know what I'm talking about, right? When that little four-year old's mom or dad is trying to make him engage in conversation with a stranger? Sometimes, it can go something like this:

Stranger: Hi there!

Kid: *Doesn't say anything*

Mom: Don't be rude. Say hi!

Kid: *Still doesn't say anything*

Mom: Don't mind her. She's just shy.

I was that kid. When I was a kid, it took me time to warm up to certain situations. In fact, it still takes me time these days. I'd have to get comfortable with a person before being able to talk to them freely. And as it goes, I can get more comfortable faster with some people than with others.

That's not usually the other person's fault. It was mostly how I perceived them. But sometimes, the way you treat people, especially kids, can make a big difference in how they feel around you. For example, I never quite got used to my preschool teacher. She screamed at me because I didn't talk enough, as I remember, and punished kids if they walked too slowly during clean-up time. As a result, I was scared of her and didn't say much around her. The teacher went to my mom and told her that there was something wrong with me because I was scared to talk to her.

My mom told me that she accepted this and tried to figure out what was wrong, but didn't get much information out of me. Eventually, she let the matter slide. Okay, fair enough. But the next part of the story gets interesting.

After preschool one day, I went to my brother's elementary school with my parents because we had to pick him up. At the time, I was maybe four and he was ten. I met my brother's fifth grade teacher when she came outside to talk to us. Of course, she would become my fifth grade teacher when I was ten, too, but I didn't know that.

Anyway, according to the teacher herself, I was very talkative and comfortable talking to this teacher, even though I had just met her. From my own experiences with her when I turned ten, this teacher was strict, but very friendly. She understood that some kids needed some space more than others did, but always encouraged those who were more timid to speak out and stand up for themselves without yelling at them or making them feel bad about themselves.

I don't any grudges against my other teacher, who went to my mother. But I just want to point out that maybe it's not always the child who's the problem.

See, there's one kid that's willing to jump into situations as if he owns them. He's ready to deal with things hands-on, and do them his way.

Then there's the other kid who has to stand back and observe a situation before slowly allowing themselves to be a part of it. Once they're comfortable with what's going on, they can actively participate if they want to, and are able to solve problems like that.

I really feel like the word "shy" and "quiet" are often mixed up. The distinction between being shy and being quiet is important.

For example, my history teacher was talking to us one day and a boy I know asks if he was shy in high school. My teacher says he was more 'quiet' and 'reserved' and the boy goes 'so you were shy.'

Not necessarily though. Quiet simply implies quiet. Shy implies nervousness in the company of new people and not being able to express their opinions or their needs even if they really want to. If a kid is simply quiet, this may not be the case. The history teacher I was talking about? I've noticed that in class, when he's not teaching, he is still on the quieter side. Is he shy, though? Most definitely not.

I've come to the conclusion that either this teacher is quiet and that is simply how he is, or he was actually shy in high school and has gotten past it so that he is able to be comfortable expressing himself to others. Either way, good for him.

Helping shy people doesn't mean coddling them or telling them they're perfect, but it also does not mean constantly telling them that they're inferior to others and something is wrong with them. That can really bring down someone's confidence level, especially if it's already low. Believe me, I know. I say this as a former very shy, and still somewhat shy person today.

Even for a person who truly is shy, you should not treat them as if they were purposely doing something to offend you or other people. Most everyone who is shy is not doing it because they enjoy it or because they hate other people.

From experience, I know that shy people especially need to fight for their place in this world. Speaking as someone who was once very shy themselves, I had to learn how to manage this, stand up for myself, and being myself around other people.

So what does this have to do with our story of the little kid? Well, there are certain social graces that most people must follow. For example, when you're meeting a new person, the polite thing to do is to say hello and introduce yourself. Being shy or quiet does not exclude anybody from that.

However, in order to learn to be comfortable being themselves, a kid is going to need more than "you're shy and rude for not saying hi to the nice man, so fix it or you'll be punished."

Helping a shy person often means also acknowledging that there are good things about them (shy people tend to be more sensitive to other people's needs and also make great listeners). While shy people need help building confidence, they also need to know that not everything about them is bad and needs to be fixed. Helping shy people involves helping them build confidence in themselves.

My best friend was very shy as a child, but realized that when she wanted to be, she could also be very funny. Now in social situations, she cracks jokes because others find her funny and it helps her feel more confident when people laugh with her. Often, helping shy people utilize their strengths can help build up a lot more confidence then simply putting them down or just telling them to fix themselves.