TBS AND ALL HIS CHARACTERS One-Shots

I wish I was her (Love Actually Sam) Pt.4

Ive decided to do a part 4 for yall because I love you. Okay. I hope you enjoy it.

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TIME SKIP TO WHEN THEY ARE IN 10TH GRADE, RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

YN's P.O.V.

I walked down to where Sam and his father still lived. I hadn't seen him up close in years. After my 6th year, I decided to take a try at homeschooling. And It worked. I really enjoyed myself. I have been able to keep up with my studies, advance my artistic skills, which has been quite fun. I never really loved school, or people, for that matter. And this kind of helped.

And I almost NEVER had to see Sam. Or Joanna. I haven't been keeping up with their affairs, either. Sam and I haven't spoken a word to each other since the incident that happened four years ago. The occasional Christmas party or bump-in at the store, but nothing more. Daniel, his father, and Mum still had tea once a month, but I didn't have to see him . It was pretty much great. But I still loved the sweet boy. That seriously sucked, but I told myself I loved the old Sam. Not this one. Not that I knew whether or not he has changed or anything, but I'm sure he has. So I cant love this one. Which made me feel a tad better.

I am now in grade 10, to give you an idea. I have no idea how Sam has been, but I'm sure he has been fine without me. He seemed pretty happy with our fall-out. I still liked the kid. I wish I would have taken my mothers advice. I wish he was still my buddy. I wish we still laughed together at school, slept over at each others houses on birthdays, made cute little notes to throw in each others lockers, but no. We cant.

But on the other hand, I think that's okay. If we were still stuck to each other like glue, I would have to watch Sam fall in love with 'Jo' first hand. And I'm not sure I would be able to handle that. To watch the one you love be obsessed with some absolutely breath-taking singer? I'm not sure. To be sitting on the sofa as they whisper sweet things in each others ear on the love-seat during a movie, to watch Sam place a shaky hand on her thigh during dinner for the first time, to listen to the two love-birds kiss at two in the morning, hoping the wouldn't get caught, when I'm sure they would. I don't know if id be okay with that. I know its selfish, but that would break my heart.

So I don't. I either fantasize that the beautiful boy is dreaming beside me at night, that we are still happy. Together. Or I cry myself to sleep, my Y/C hand over my mouth, making sure my mother doesn't hear me as she sleeps in the bedroom down the hall. Thinking about how happy he is without me. How he smiles, and laughs. Cries. Yells. Parties. Lives without me. It breaks my heart. Every single day I think about it as I stare out my large window above my rickety, old desk, trying desperately to get work done.

Sometimes I see him, walking in front of me, right outside my window. He hands that are larger then I remember them rest lazily in his jacket pockets. His sandy blond hair gets blown into his eyes by the restless wind wanting to pull it right out his scalp. Brown, almost black, eyes take in his surroundings, yet they never find mine. No matter how many times I pray for them to, they just don't. Maybe if they did, he would see all the thoughts racing through my head. About how I wanted him. Needed him. Maybe, he would pound on my pale, peeling front door, making my mother open it. Maybe he would run up to my room, knowing exactly where is. He would hold me, tell me he missed me.

But his eyes, his beautiful eyes, never find mine.

So he keeps walking. Using his long, graceful legs to carry him anywhere, anywhere but to me. I watch him like the stalker I am, my eyes over flowing with emotion. I watch him leave my sight, and I sometimes let a few tears fall. I can feel my heart brake just a little more, and I shut my eyes. I let my heart scream. For him.