BOYS OF SUBURBIA [boy x boy] [Wattys 2018]

✗ FOURTY-ONE ✗

There was a dead body on the ground.

Sebastian waited for Niko's hand in his, but it didn't come.

There was a dead body on the ground.

He repeated in his head, stating it mentally one, two, three times so that maybe it wouldn't be true. He let Niko convince him to just leave her there like that because they have a brown bag full of shit that could get the whole London higher than an aeroplane and it was not good to be in the same scene as a person who just died of a drug overdose. He dragged Arissa, crying and screaming, thinking about how maybe he was the kind of person that's impossible to love. Pulling Arissa into a bathroom and staring into her watery eyes as he rubbed her shaking shoulders and tried to calm her down, Sebastian Faze thought about video reels unspooling. He thought about his life, rewinding backwards. Thought about how every mistake that led to this pivotal moment where an actual body had ended up on the ground. Thought about how much of a fucked person he was- to leave a fifteen-year-old girl, who died of a drug overdose on her birthday on the hotel floor? Sure, they called the police and the ambulance but that was messed up. He thought about Niko. He thought about Arissa stifling her cries, wiping her nose and running her hand through her hair, muttering fuck fuck fuck. He thought about Niko Salinger's kisses and how he'd still steal them all again. He'd claim them all again because he has nothing else left, not his morals, his pride, his intelligence, his dignity.

There was a dead body on the ground.

Sebastian darkly chuckled at the mere provocation of the thought of it, because if he did anything else, there might just end up being two.

There was a dead body on the ground, and he helped put it there.

-

Arissa was invited to Denise's funeral and asked him to accompany her. He didn't know what to reply, staring at the screen at a total loss. How fucked would it be if a killer visited the victim's funeral? It was like the bully going to a funeral of the kid he pushed to suicide.

Sebastian bit his lip and locked his phone. He would answer it later when his mind was clearer. He rolled over, his weight causing the bed to creak. The sound bounced off the walls and filled the room thickly, condensing the atmosphere and the air he was breathing.

"Sebastian!" his mother yelled through the door, "Dinner!"

He heaved as he forced himself up, his limbs feeling like a thousand pounds when he carried himself off the bed. He trudged to the door and opened it, seeing Violet leaning on the door of her room, which was totally opposite of him, smoking her cigarette in slightly lit darkness.

"Mom didn't let me smoke up in the dining room," she explained herself. She took notice of him and his tired eyes and his empty room and smirked, "No Niko today? That's like three days in the row, Bash. Trouble in paradise?"

"Shut up, Vi," he grouched.

"Ouch," Violet placed a hand on her chest, "Offended."

Sebastian rolled his eyes, unamused, and descended the stairs without another word. His mother was drizzling some olive oil in a wooden bowl of mixed greens as he took his seat and Violet joined five minutes later after she finished her cigarette, stinking of smoke- which was probably why he would die of secondhand smoking if the drugs didn't kill him first.

"How come Niko hasn't been coming around?" his mother chirped excitedly as she set the salad bowl in the middle of the table, the centrepiece in between the roasted tomatoes and the chicken pot pie.

"Boyfriend break up?" winked Violet from the opposite end.

"Fuck off," he snapped, seeing Violet recoiling with her smug, complacent smile being drained from her pale, chapped lips.

His mother tutted, "Language, Sebastian. Honestly, you're never like this. Always been such a good boy."

"Oh please," sneered Violet with a sharp, acerbic laugh.

"Not now, Violet," his mother intervened before he could have another go. "Please, we need a moment of silence in this house for once."

"Where's Greg?" Sebastian quipped, changing the subject by noticing his stepfather's absent seat. It wasn't an unusual thing for Greg to miss dinner. Sebastian never understood why his mother even liked Greg. The guy was a condescending asshole, who ragged on Sebastian about being a real lad by getting a real job and then Sebastian was ruthlessly pushed into a stupid part-time gig by the local convenience store where he met Niko for the first time without any say in it. It was rich how this advice to be a 'real lad' by getting a 'real job' came from the same man who got fired from his consulting firm last year and now spent his time doing odd jobs and spending it on trying to fund his gambling debt. His mother was once upon a time head over heels for Greg when he was officially employed and seemed like a semi-decent guy but within a year of marriage, Greg blew away his finances and now they were clawing away at whatever money they can get. His mother, his poor mother, was trapped in this sham marriage she couldn't get out of, fooling herself into thinking this was some version of happiness that she played herself.

His mother blinked her heavily-coated in mascara falsies eyelashes and sniffed, "He's-uh- he's working, says he'll come home late."

An ache expanded in his chest and the urge to hug his mother almost overcome him but he submerged it done and nodded, pretending to be fine. It was the least he could do right now- pretend he was alright, push on the facade until it broke down.

"Oh," he replied, attempting lightness, "Okay."

His mother smiled at him- wanly, with the faded edges of her lips trembling. He smiled back but everything he does felt like it was tainted with blood. Every time he closed his eyes, there was Denise dead on the floor, drool dribbling from her lips, mouth wide open and a small blue pill melting on her tongue.

Every time he closed his eyes, there was a dead body on the floor and there was no omnipotent power in the world that could ever change that.

-

AH, THE SLOW DESCENT INTO DARKNESS.

song of the update: 4 me by WAJU ft. Kyle the Hooligan

dedicated to PandaGuts.