Curious

The Lessons; Seokjin

I squeeze my eyes shut as Namjoon's tongue invaded my mouth as well as my senses, his hands trailing over my now bare sides. His dress slacks rub against my jeans roughly and the friction is overwhelming. I've never felt this way with all my past boyfriends. Why? I don't understand what makes this encounter different from the others.
Is it because I'm in control? Even though he's on top of me and taking initiation over this, I know he'll without a doubt stop immediately if I say so without getting mad or leaving me. That specific pressure is gone and it feels good. To just let myself relax and know I won't be abandoned for putting a stop to this-not that I want to.
His hands feel so good on my skin and his body is gorgeous to my eyes. My muscles tense slightly, though, when his fingertips dip teasingly into my waistband. Sucking in a deep breath, I lick my lips as his eyes meet mine in question. I nod and he swiftly unbuttons my pants, revealing my embarrassingly pink boxers.
"Cute." He murmurs and I flush from head to toe. I don't know what it is about him...
     He trails his fingers over my erection making me gasp and release a low moan. Embarrassed when I see the wet patch forming on the front of my boxers. His lips trail soft kisses down my jaw and chin to my neck. He sucks the skin softly while his hands rub my thighs reassuringly.
     I'm fine. This is fine...I'm good and into it until his hands move up under my boxers making me tense. He notices and stops right away, sitting up.
     "Are you alright?" He asks, ever professional.
     I take a deep breath before nodding. "Y-Yeah, Sorry....I...just..." I can't form what I want to say.
     He seems to understand, though, and nods. "Remember, you aren't being forced or rushed. It's ok to tell me to stop. Every time. No matter what." He reminds me and I force a smile.
    "I know. Thanks." I cross my arms over my chest, opening my mouth to speak again but his phone rings-cutting me off.
     He glances at it but doesn't move to get it, waiting on me... "Go ahead. You can answer it."
     He winks at me and climbs off the bed, answering the phone and pressing it to his ear. "Hello?" He takes the conversation to the living room while I gather myself. So close...I was so close. Will I ever stop chickening our at the last moment? I'm beginning to think not.
    Sighing, I quickly put my clothes back on and head into the living room. It sounds like he's arguing with someone...or trying to calm the other line down. Frowning, I sit on the couch and try not to listen.
     "I'm very sorry. Yes...I understand. Something has come up and I can't meet your requirements this term...yes, I know. I understand this is putting you in a difficult position but I messaged you far enough ahead of time to find a replacement." He groans in frustration, tugging at his hair.
    It takes me a minute to realize his argument is my fault. I get that he's talking to a client. One he had to cancel on because of me. Shit. Guilt hits me hard. Not only have I put him in a bad position with his other clients-ones he might lose because of me after our arrangement is over-but I couldn't even go through with what I'm paying him for!
    I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans and make a decision. "Namjoon?"
     He pauses, glancing at me apologetically.
     "You can go if you need to." I offer. He frowns and pulls the phone from his ear.
     "What?"
     I nod towards the phone. "If it's a trouble for you or others then...until we begin the s-sexual stuff...you can go meet your client. I understand I didn't give you much notice and I would hate to be the reason you lose clients." I bite my lip.
     His eyes widen in appreciation but still, he's hesitant. "Are you sure? You don't need to worry about my other clients, Jin. Right now I'm yours." He replies.
     I nod. "I know but I'm obviously not ready yet for that big step so until I am...you can go with the clients it's a problem to cancel on." It's only fair.
     His eyes search mine before he smiles and lets his angry client know he will keep the engagement. I don't even know what it's for...could be for a function...or for sex...either way it's not my business. There's no point in holding him hostage here if I don't even let him do his job. I have to work myself out of my comfort zone first.
     He goes to shower and change into an elegant black and grey suit that goes well with his dark and purple hair. He grabs his coat but pauses at the door. "Are you positive this is ok? I can still cancel." He offers.
    I shake my head reassuringly. "No. Of course soon I want to stay exclusive but until I get more comfortable it's not fair to you. Just come back when you're done." I ask and he nods.
    "Of course. Thank you, Jin. I'll see you when I get back." He smiles and caresses my cheek softly before leaving.
    I slump down into my seat and sigh. I really really hope I'm not making a mistake. I'm spending a lot of money on this arrangement and really hope it's not for nothing...