Euphoria - E.D.

16

It'd been a month and a half since I was rediagnosed with Osteosarcoma.

For some reason, it felt harder the second time. Although I'd dealt with cancer before, and I knew what I had coming for me, I seemed to struggle more and more, knowing that I was sick again.

My life was changed all over again, and I ended up spending the last semester of my senior year in a completely different way than what I imagined. It was like I was 9 years old again getting treated for my illness, except this time, I was 18.

Once winter break ended and school started up again, was when the word got out to every single I knew. I didn't want to keep what I was dealing with a secret to people, because it wouldn't have made anything better, so my family and I told everyone what was going on.

When Grayson went back to school, people bombarded him with great amounts of sympathy, especially those who knew my had family gone through this before.

I began getting sudden messages from all of my classmates, saying how sorry they were that this happened to me, and how terrible it was that I had to spend the end of senior year in such a horrible way.

Grayson would come to the hospital with his backpack filled with all sorts of 'Get Well' cards, and I'd occasionally get flower deliveries.

I didn't want people to think that we announced it the whole world so that I could get sympathy, though.

What I did want, was for people to know that we all go through hard times, but it doesn't mean that we should give up and let those hard times define who we are. I wanted to show everyone that I was going to fight it, and I wouldn't let it change me.

However, that strong mindset I had did not become reality right away.

For a period of time, I grew under a small cloud of depression. It just didn't feel real to me, and that made everything harder. I couldn't wrap my mind around why I relapsed, and why the tumors came back after having surgery to remove it 4 years prior.

It felt harder because I already saw my family sadly sit beside me as they hoped and prayed that I'd be okay, and they had to go through that feeling again.

It felt harder because I had big plans to end my senior year on a good note. Grayson and I planned to succeed in all of our classes so we'd still get into our dream college. Now, I didn't even know if I'd walk across the stage to get the diploma I earned.

I planned to take Alex to prom, and make it one of the most memorable moments of her life, but I couldn't even leave the hospital.

It felt harder because I told my family and Alex if I was rediagnosed with cancer, I'd fight it, but I wasn't. I'd given up, and it felt like I let everyone down.

I didn't speak to Alex for a while either. Not because I wasn't her friend anymore, but because I was too upset to bring her any happiness, or even tell her the encouraging words I'd usually tell her with a real smile on my face.

When Alex and I met, I promised her I'd always bring her joy, so it'd help her remain happy, and the mental state I was in wouldn't have brought her a single ounce of positivity.

Never in my life, did I feel so unlike myself, then I did in the beginning of my cancer relapse.

"Hey E," Grayson smiled, as he walked into my hospital room after school one day.