How To Love | Daniel Seavey AU

39 | talk

TODAY WAS THE LAST and I'd be leaving for Paris tomorrow evening. This few days feels so rushed—then again, I found myself sleeping quite early now, and just letting them pass. This night—well, morning, was different. After sleeping right after explaining to my dad that I didn't need to tell him about the date, I woke up at the early hours of two in the morning to Ellie pawing at my chest.

I didn't bother trying to sleep after she woke me up.

As I stared at the bare wall across from my bed, I felt it creep in. I felt the guilt creep in, and I began heavily breathing. Images of how hurt Daniel looked when he found out I kept this secret—this big secret—from him, even after we kissed. The pain in his eyes were indescribable, but even if I've never faced a situation like this, it felt like a knife plunged into my chest, repeatedly stabbing me as I watched his blue eyes lose their light and turn bland. The look Anna had given me after I spoke such vile words to her flashed through my mind and I knew in that moment, she might never forgive me for how I acted.

Those two were the only ones trying to be my friends, and how I give back to them? I make them hate me. Why I did so is still unknown to me. I'm not sure why my mind works this way, I don't understand why I had to pull such a stunt.

But in my state now, I'm slowly understanding. With the lack of a social life before now, I never really had anyone to cling to. I kept my emotions locked up, so no one will get too close to me. I stayed away from having a social life, so I won't lose much when I have to let it go. I hoped that if I made the two hate me, then I would feel weightless when I moved.

Instead, all the weight of world is lying on my shoulders and the guilt of what I did is heavier than anything.

A whimper leaves my lips as I continue to stare at nothing; my mind running wild as I hug my knees to my chest, my body shaking with the sobs I'm trying to keep silent. My chest hurts at the thought of hurting those two—especially Daniel. All he's ever done for me was bring happiness to my life; he turned what I thought was all black and white into colour. He changed how I felt, how I think and how I see things. He made me see things in a different perspective—into a better perspective and I ruined it with not telling him about my move.

Why are you overthinking this? This won't last forever—you know nothing lasts forever. I'm aware that emotions don't last, but this will scar me and I might have this become some sort of obstacle, preventing me from doing other things. I can't leave this place on a bad note, I can't and I won't.

Even if I try to resolve this, I can't stop crying. Why can't I stop crying? Why does this hurt me so much more than I expected?

Because you love him.

The voice echoed in my head, and the tears stopped for a brief moment, only to worsen as I shook my head. My hands balled up into a fist, landing right against the wall.

I can't love him! I can't form feelings that don't exist! "I don't love him," I repeated under my breath. This is stupid. I can't love him.

No, no, no! The tears are endless as they fall onto my knees, whimpers leaving my lips and my chest only tightens as I try silencing my sobs. Loving Daniel would be the end of me. I can't feel something like it towards him.

He doesn't deserve me. Why would I love him? I've done nothing but be cold to him, and when I've finally warmed up, I overreact and cause this entire mess! I'm a mess. He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve him.