I Can't Admit I Love You

Chapter 21

SKYLAR

For the most part of the night Lucas' ignored me and I him. It was as though we never knew each other. As though we were never on that plane, as though we never danced together...or anything.

It hurt.

I tried to drown my hurt with alcohol and by dancing with Connor the entire night. He didn't let go of me and I didn't want him to either, afraid that I would crumble to the floor if he wasn't holding onto me. I let myself be free on the dance floor, moving as though my body was disconnected from all the intrusive thoughts I was having.

Connor was behind me, as drunk and careless as I was but I tilted my head back and laughed as hard as I could against the pounding madness of the club.

Everything became a blur, the lights the music the people. I couldn't feel anything and it was amazing.

Then I realized I was in the bathroom and Misha was splashing water on my face.

"Sky! Get a hold of yourself,"  she shook my shoulders.

"W-wha-"

I looked in the mirror my eyes were red with smudged mascara around my eyes. I laughed at myself, "Holy crap I look awful,"

"Yeah no kidding, let's get you some water and go home ok?"

I backed into the bathroom stall. "No, I don't wanna go home yet!" I pouted like a bratty child.

"Sky come on..."Misha grabbed my wrist gently as I ferociously shook my head but she dragged me out anyway. "Ok we wont go home but we'll get water, just sit for a second I'll be back."

Misha made me sit into our booth, my legs felt alien to me.

I hadn't notice that Lucas was in the booth as well. He eyed me suspiciously and scooted over towards me.

"Whats wrong with you?" he gave me a disgusted look as he eyed me up and down.

I felt insulted and heated so without thinking I smacked him across the face. I didn't even realize my own strength, but my smack must have been hard since the pain in my hand felt like I had slammed a brick on it.

I got up and wobbled away, I was embarrassed and still angry.

I needed air, so I went on the large terrace of the place. It was slightly less crowded and I could feel a cold breeze.

Leaning against the railing I didn't notice when the tears began to tumble down my face.

LUCAS

Skylar got in the cab with Connor and I, we were going back to his place and I wanted to throw up even though I barely drank tonight.

She was all over him and he was loving every second of it.

But this wasn't like her, even the times before when she was drunk she wasn't acting like this. It was as though she was purposely trying to fuel the fire in my stomach and she was doing a great job at it.

My cheek was red from her smack, I was still trying to dissect the reason why she hit me.

Did she really hate me that much?

We got to his apartment and he carried Skylar up to the loft where I usually slept. I won't be able to use that air mattress after this.

I laid on the couch and could barely sleep from all their giggling and whispering. With my knuckles clenched, I gritted my teeth hard until I felt the pain.

I can't do this, it's driving me crazy.

I got up and put my shoes on to go outside, go anywhere except stay here but then suddenly there was no sound.

No giggles, no whispering.

Did they fall asleep? Are they....are they...?

All I could hear was long deep heavy breathing. Then I heard Connor's muffled voice.

I couldn't bare it anymore, I wanted to scream. I ran out of the apartment as fast as I could and took the stairs down.

I ran and kept running down the dark street until I went down into a subway.

"Fuck...fuck ...fuckkk!!!!!!" My fists hit the brick walls, I screamed hard and loud and the sound vibrated in the dark tunnels but was silenced completely by the thunderous noise of the passing subway.

When it was gone, everything was silent.

I slumped down into a wooden bench seat. I heard nothing but the emptiness of the subway. My eyes burned with rage.

I was angry at myself.

I'm a pathetic piece of shit...I walk away from the things I want because I am a coward. This is me running away from all my fears, me running away from taking responsibility for myself.

I did this, not Skylar.

I ran from her.

I don't have to go back to Jaime, I don't even... I don't want...

Another subway, this one stopped and opened it's doors to me.

I waited for about an hour or so to calm myself down before walking back to the apartment.

The next morning I woke up to Connor asleep by the large windows with nothing but a pillow and his sweater covering himself.

It was 9:46AM.

Confused, I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey..."

He half opened his eyes at me, the sunlight was annoying him I could tell. He covered his face with his sweater. "What is it?" he mumbled.

"Why are you sleeping on the floor?What happened last night?" I asked slowly, afraid of his response but also willing to accept it.

Connor lowed his sweater and looked at me with narrowed eyes, "Nothing. That's what happened. Now let me sleep for a little longer I feel like death."

Nothing? How could nothing have happened? Didn't I hear it?

I turned and notice Skylar walk down from the loft, she was wearing Connor's long button down shirt from last night, her legs were bare. Her hair was in a messy bun and she took one look at me and turned away.

Only in here there is nowhere to go. It's too small you can't avoid me.

I walked to her before she locked herself in the bathroom.

I had to stop her.

She ran into the bathroom but I walked in myself and pinned her against the door.

"What the hell is going on?! Talk to me!" I pleaded with her. My fists shook with anger.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry I hit you..." she cried, she didn't want to look  me in the eyes.

"I don't care about that, I want to know why you were acting up last night. That wasn't like you..." my hands found her shoulders, but I couldn't feel her skin through Connor's shirt.

I wanted to rip it off her so badly.

She shook her head at me, "I can't..." my hands clenched her shoulders tighter but I saw her wince and realized I was hurting her.

"Skylar..." I pressed my  forehead against hers. "There's something you want to say isn't there?"

Her cute little mouth released a gasp, I wanted nothing more in that instant than to kiss her. But I wouldn't betray Connor like that. Instead I would just remain this close, yes this close was ok for now.

She shook her head again at me, "Lucas' please...I should get dressed,"

"Did you and Connor..." I couldn't help it, I had to know. I closed my eyes tightly, waiting her words.

Her breathing slowed.

"No."