The Professor

Chapter Forty-Three

Through my tear-filled eyes, I look over at Dean on the couch. He's sitting there, elbows resting on his knees, staring at the test still in my hands. His hands are clasped together and resting on his chin. The unreadable expression on his face is what scares me the most. My stomach has already sank to the floor, now it's sinking through to the person living below him.

"Dean..." I say in a weak whisper. I don't know what else to do right now, I need him to say something.

He's silent in the seat beside me. I don't think he's blinked since we both looked to see the result.

"Please say something," I beg him. My voice starts to crack and my hand reaches out to touch his back. As soon as my palm barely meets his shoulder, Dean shoots up from the couch. The abrupt movement makes me jump and I watch him walk past me to his bedroom, and listen to the sound of his door slamming.

I start to sob on the couch.

* * * * * 

I drive myself around town, taking the long way back home to the dorm. If Jessica is there, I don't want her to see me like this and start asking questions.

I think the whole time driving about everything that's about to happen:

What am I going to say to my parents?

What am I going to do about college?

What is going to happen to Dean?

I cry the whole way home. I feel so helpless. I feel scared to death and alone. I keep checking my phone as if Dean is going to call me or text me any minute but I know he won't. He has too much pride. And the way he just said nothing? That speaks volume.

I end up at the beach in a parked spot that overlooks the sand and the ocean. The beach looks vacant but then again, it's early in the morning. I sit back in my seat and my head meets the headrest with a sigh. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel sick on my stomach.

I need fresh air.

I waste no time opening my car door and stepping onto the pavement that quickly turns into sand. The salty, beach air meets my skin and causes me to forget how to breathe for a moment. I pull my hair into a pony tail and walk down the sand to sit somewhere in between the parking lot and ocean. There's a few people out on the beach, mostly the elderly people, and some walking their dogs. 

My knees bend upward to my body and I wrap my arms around them, listening to nothing but the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore and the occasional sound of the seagulls. It's peaceful out here and in a matter of two minutes, i've forgotten about this mornings revelation.

I stare at the water, watching it fold before crashing onto the surface and the water being sucked back in. It reminds me of me when it comes to Dean.

How is it that this man, who i've known for a matter of three months, has this big of a hold on me? I don't understand it. Everything about us is wrong in so many ways but when I'm with him, it's never felt so right. Even when I was with Collin, i'd find little things he did that compared to Dean. Dean has always been in the back of my mind since I met him. 

Now things are different. Completely different. I have someone else to start thinking of. 

I'm going to have to start breaking some hearts, even if one of those is my own.