Holding on to you (girlxgirl)

CHAPTER EIGHT

As Bree and I are leaving our morning class together, that boy I didn't like happened to be waiting for her. I fell back and let her talk with him, I don't know what it was about him that got under my skin so much. I twiddled my thump and tried to look like I wasn't interested in what was going on over there. He was just a little too close to her, but there was nothing I could do about it. She wasn't mine, she was free to do what she pleased. Just as I thought my patients were wearing thin, I looked up and he had his arms wrapped around her; in a too long hug. She started to walk back towards me and he went in the opposite direction.

"Ok, we can go now."

"Cool... sooo, what was that about?"

"So, he kinda just asked me to be his Valentine." I was shocked, and upset at the same time, I wanted to scream, 'Nooo! You're my girl!!!' But I knew better. Valentine's Day was two days away and even though we joked about it, I never really asked her to be my Valentine. How would that even work?

"Hmm" I tried not to let my true thought out, but my alternative wasn't any better. Bree could read me like a book, she could always sense when my mood had changed, even if it was off by the slightest bit.

"Ok, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, what did you say to him after he asked you that?" I lied.

"I told him that I would get back to him with an answer later." In my head I was thinking, 'later? Why didn't you just tell him no, that you already had a Valentine, that it was me, that's you were in love with me?'

"Ok." I was not happy, what if she told him yes later? We walked in silence for a while until we were almost to her class.

"What's wrong, are you upset or mad about something?"

"Nope!" I said trying to convince her that I was perfectly fine.

"You sure? you seem different."

"No, I'm good." I never liked to talk about my feeling as they were happening. I preferred to be over it before I told her what was bugging me. She knew that and usually would drop it until later that night. We got to her class and I gave her a hug goodbye. It wasn't filled with the love it usually is, as she knew it.

"That was not a good hug, but I'll see you later. You owe me a better one."

"Ok, see you later." I walked off and headed to my class before the late bell rang.

For the rest of the day I was a bit upset. I didn't want her to say yes to him, but who was I to tell her not to with all my Jason issues right now. Practice didn't prove to help the situation. It felt like when we practiced together, it just enforced my feelings for her. Seeing her be amazing right there in front of my eyes; in those shorts, it all just made me love her more. It was always tricky when coach would put us in the outfield together, we would do nothing but secretly tell each other 'I love you' with made up hand signals, or when we would gaze at each other in action, distracted and not paying attention to what we ourselves were supposed to be doing. Most days during when we had games, I wanted to run up to her after she made a good catch and give her a good job kiss, then run back to my corner as if it was all normal. But sadly, it wasn't. Today, every time I looked at her I wanted her. Then I thought about the boy that wanted her too, and how he could give her a normal relationship that she could brag about; that I couldn't give.

After practice, Bree's dad was waiting for her, so we didn't walk home together. It was all for the best. I took the walk home to focus on my feeling, it didn't work. But I was able to block it out of my mind with music. I blasted my pop and R&B playlist to drawn out my thoughts, I didn't even notice when I got home. I went straight to my room and threw my things on the floor. I buried my face in my pillow and tried not to cry. Why is it so hard? I love her so much, but we don't even understand what's going on in our own minds much less to let other people know we have feelings for each other. How would they react. Neither of us knew anyone in our lives that were gay, bi, or a lesbian. So, it was hard trying to come out of the closet when there was no one there to look up to. Not to mention our parents would probably kill us and disown us. I hated having these feelings for her, but I loved them even more. I couldn't tell my family I liked girl and she couldn't tell her family the same. We both wanted to be in a relationship but knew it would be too hard. We wanted it all in the open but weren't prepared to bring people in. It was all too confusing. No one at our school was gay, unless they hid it really well. From all the stigma, growing up in a Christian home. Being in love with a girl, wasn't an option. As I laid there I could feel the tears run down my face. No one was home, so I gave in to it. I bawled and bawled until I couldn't anymore, then I fell asleep and all of my problems were gone.