Hurts Like Hell | John Laurens

Dix-Sept

John's POV:

I wake up with Toni's body pressed against mine. She holds onto me like she never wants to let go. I smile down at her. She's so beautiful.

I lay my head down and try to think of any possible memory of us together.

Think John think! Think damnit!

"Ugh!" I groan.

"What's wrong darling?" Toni asks, now awake.

"I just wish I could remember." I sigh.

She sits maneuvers herself so she sits on my lap. I wrap my arms around her waist and she wraps hers around my neck.

"You have no control over when you get your memory back. You may never get your memory back. But we can make new ones." She presses her lips to mine gently.

"I wanna remember. I want to remember Frances' birth, her first word, her first step. I want to remember everything."

"Dada," Toni smiles, "Her first word was dada. We were in camp and I was with her in our tent. And she crawled over to me and pointed at the entrance to the tent and said "dada."" She looks up at me with a smile, but I notice a tear falling down her cheek.

I wipe away the tear with my thumb. "What's wrong, darling?" I ask.

"I just miss when Frances was a baby. I miss the battlefield. I miss us." She says.

"I'm here now. And I'll never loose you again," I engulf her in my arms, "I promise."

She nodded, her face buried in my chest.

"Whoa! Did I interrupt something." At the sound of Alexander's voice Toni immediately pulls the blankets over her body. "Shit, I'm so sorry Toni I didn't realize you two were....I'll just come back later." Alexander scurries out of the room.

Toni gets up and walks to the small closet. She pulls out a yellow dress, and begins to put it on. I spot a soldier's uniform. I graze my fingers over it.

"That's your uniform. I managed to get the blood stains out," She smiles, focusing on lacing her corset, "That one's mine." She motions to the other soldiers uniform, that one being much smaller.

"Can I wear mine...?" I ask myself.

Maybe it'll spark a memory.

"If you want mon amour." Toni smiles, and smooths out her dress. I pick up the uniform and begin to put it on. I sigh and look at myself. Nothing.

"Why the sad face?" Toni asks.

"I guess I hoped it would spark some kind of memory, any memory. I just want to remember." I say, I wipe under my eyes before any tears had the opportunity to fall.

Toni sighs, "It's alright, John," she sits next to me and puts her hand on my leg, "I'm just happy to have you back. You may not have the memories, but if you ever want to know something, I'll be happy to tell you." She smiles at me before standing. She gives me a quick kiss on the lips, "I better go help Eliza with her little ones." She begins to walk out of the room.

"Toni?" I ask, she stops and looks back into the room.

"Yes, mon amour?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." She smiles and leaves.

I sigh, a smile painted on my face. How did I ever get so lucky to have such a wonderful woman as my wife... my wife...

*Toni's POV:

"Need any help, Eliza?" I ask.

"Please." Eliza giggles, "I love my children so much, but they are defiantly a handful." She says bouncing baby Angelica in her arms. Philip runs with Frances. Frances giggles as Philip picks her up and spins her around.

"Ah," I place my hand over my heart, "They're so cute!"

"What if my son courts your daughter! That would be wonderful!" Eliza places her hands on mine.

"That truly would!" I smile at Eliza.

We turn our attention back to the children. Philip bows, and Frances curtsies. They begin to dance. Philip trips and they both fall, giggling to the point of tears.

"You're my best friend, Philip!" Frances giggles and hugs Philip.

"You're my best friend, Frances!" Philip smiles and hugs Frances.

Alexander and John walk out of the house. Philip and Frances get back up and continue dancing.

"May I have this dance, Mrs Laurens?" Alexander asks holding his hand out to me. I smile and put my hand in his,

"Why, of course Mr Hamilton."

Alexander and I join the children dancing. John asks Eliza to dance and they join us. Baby Angelica sleeps in her cot.

"I know it's probably hard with John not remembering anything." Alexander says, I nod.

"Yeah it is. It's not his fault though, I know that. He's so torn over the fact he doesn't remember Frances birth, or first word, steps, all of it. He's torn. Last night I told him as much as I could."

"He spoke to me about that, this morning. He's visibly pained by it." Alexander says, I nod.

"He put on his soldier's uniform, hoping it would spark a memory. He was sad when it didn't." I frown.

"Everything will be alright eventually, Toni." Alexander reassures.

"I hope so," I sigh, "Thank you Alexander."

Alexander nods and kisses my knuckles, "It was a pleasure dancing with you Mrs Laurens."

"Likewise, Mr Hamilton." I smile at him. Alexander bows and I curtsy.

Alexander walks over to John and Eliza, "May I cut in?" He asks. John nods.

"It's been a pleasure, Mrs Hamilton." John kisses Eliza's knuckles just as Alexander did.

"Likewise, Mr Laurens." Eliza smiles.

Alexander begins dancing with his wife, and John walks over to me.

"Mrs Laurens." He bows.

I curtsy, "Mr Laurens."

"May I have this dance?"

"Of course" I smile at John and we begin to dance. I see Philip glancing at his parents, and Frances watching John and I.

As John and I dance, I think back to the night of the Schuyler family Winter's Ball. I smile at the memory. I truly do miss the battlefield.

"I missed you, while I was in comatose. I knew what was going on around me. I could hear you, Frances, Lafayette, Alex, Eliza, everyone who visited me. I couldn't see you, but I heard you. I remembered everything, from my earliest memory, to meeting you, to getting shot, and to blacking out with you in my arms. We sung "Raise a glass to freedom." Before blacking out. When I woke up it was like all my memories were wiped." John says.

My eyes go wide, "John! You remembered something!"

"That's all I can remember. I can't conjure up anything else." John sighs.

"That's a start, it's a wonderful start mon amour." I smile at John and he kisses me.