Dark Night

Tying things up

I felt like I was floating for the rest of the weekend, then it was back to reality. We had next year's drill team to select, and I joined with the other seniors to run the workshops and tryouts. I think we ended up with a good group for Kara--who refused to run for captain because she is a choreo through and through--to work with. At the end of the week, we had our whole team meeting in the just-repaired gym, which the principal attended and Coach handed out our athletic letters. I was thrilled to have earned an honest-to-god varsity athletic letter, a big chenille C on a white felt background. We had cookies and punch and Theresa gave out certificates for the awards we'd voted on: Best Kicks, Best Smile, Most Improved, Best Teammate, Spartanette of the Year, Best Dancer, Best Jumps, Most Dedicated, Best Smile, Best Attitude, Best Motivator (that went to Kara) Best Showmanship. I won two, Best Teammate and Spartanette of the Year. It was a really big deal for me to win an award like that; I'd never qualified for anything like it. Theresa came up to me as we were leaving and said quietly that I'd actually won a third, Best Attitude, but she'd wanted to spread the wealth around. I wasn't about to complain. There were a finite number of awards and thirty possible winners. I was really surprised I'd gotten two, to be honest. The incoming drill captain gave Theresa a pendant and we gave Coach Amelia flowers for all her hard work. I was regretful when I left. This was really the first time I'd been on a team and had been able to contribute to a group in a meaningful way. It had also been a heck of a good time, and I had pictures to prove it.

I went home and sewed my letter on my sweater that night. And I could still wear my sweater; we had a low pressure system and rain and it was chilly, so I got to show it off while I was still in high school, at least. John asked me to the senior prom when we were supposed to be doing a worksheet in calculus. It was typically low key, which I liked. I didn't like a big show, like some of the guys did, doing it in public with some extravagant gesture, but some girls did, they liked the attention, and I think some guys did it because it put public pressure on the girl to agree  to go. Paul wasn't going to go to the freshman prom, but I set him up. With Kara. Sure, she was a junior, but I felt that their personalities would be complimentary, and Paul had had a growth spurt so he was a little taller than she was (she's actually pretty tiny, but she's got so much personality you don't really notice.) John was amused, Paul just about had heart palpations (he tries to be cool but girls are still kind of a mystery to him) and Kara just wanted to go have fun and dance.

Which they did, and Paul had a MASSIVE crush afterward.

It was about this time that the enormity of his retirement started to hit John. He'd completed rehab on his ankle up at the rink because the physios had been directing his care and he didn't want to switch horses midstream, so to speak. It was when he packed up all his stuff from his locker  that he really started to feel like done was done. He became a little more introspective , not as talkative.  I didn't want to push him, but I told him that if he wanted to talk about it, I would listen.

He didn't want, actually. He said that he'd always identified himself as a skater, and now that wasn't true, and he was finding his way, trying to figure out what he was without it.

"A good guy," I'd said. "Kind, compassionate, loving, intelligent, ambitious. A student. An entering freshman at UCLA. You are still essentially everything that you were before." I don't think it helped much.

Amidst all of this was Bruin Day. Grandpa drove down with me the day before and dropped me off at campus. It was both overwhelming and not. It was easy to find my tour group for my first activity of the day and a group of about twenty future freshmen set off with two current upperclassmen, who were funny and knew a lot of stories about the history of the campus as well as where everything was. I took special notice of where the major buildings were. I'd studied the map, of course, but being there was a lot different. Following the tour, I found my way to the financial aid office, where my counselor set me down and explained my financial aid package for the next year. I had a Pell grant, work study (which I was looking forward to as a way to interact with other students,) and  the money I could pay from my savings. Then she smiled.

"We got the National Merit scholarship information just yesterday and you may not have received your letter before coming down here, but you have been awarded one of their scholarships for next year, $2500 over your first year." I gasped so hard it was a miracle that paper from her desk didn't stick to my face. "And there's also that scholarship you got from the STEM organization, $2000 for the year." I nodded, I'd just gotten that letter earlier in the week. "Now, I've also spoken with your guidance counselor about your family situation and the school will waive tuition for next year; we will revisit this each year every time you apply for financial aid." It took a moment, with me blinking my eyes a lot, for this to sink in. This was HUGE, about half the total bill for college. I'd still have to pay room and board, of course, texts and school supplies and all that, lab fees, incidentals, but not to have tuition was a massive savings and it would help my college money to stretch a lot farther. I wandered out of the office after profuse thanks still dazed.  From there, I attended a presentation on housing options, with the different types of dorms and meal plans explained. This was followed by a tour of different kinds of dorms.

There was a student life fair and a student services fair and I added information to the folder I'd received with basic incoming freshman info and my financial aid information after that meeting. I sat in on a lecture on climate change and toured the department, meeting some of the faculty, who encouraged me to submit an application for the Honors program. I had lunch in one of the cafeterias with current students who talked about what it was like to attend the school. My schedule for the day had been totally different from John's and I was looking forward to comparing notes. Late in the afternoon, Grandpa came to pick me up and we stayed an additional night before driving home the next day, exploring the area around campus and locating the Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond stores, where I expected to pick up items for my dorm room past the basics I was bringing. Grandpa was thrilled to hear about the tuition waiver, as was my brother later. My parents were bemused, but at least they weren't dismissive. The letter about the National Merit scholarship was waiting at home when we got back.

Saturday evening, John and I got together to compare notes on the day. I was kind of bummed that we hadn't seen each other there, and I was starting to feel some misgivings. It was a really big place and chance encounters would be almost nonexistent. It would be easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of college life. And let's be frank. I was getting a little worried about John. If he was struggling in a familiar environment with his family instantly available to help, I wasn't sure how college would go for him. But he said he'd ask if he needed my help, and I didn't want to nag. I watched him carefully but I also had my own things to do, including th

at Honors program application.

He was focused for prom, though. I wore my beautiful cheongsam with my pearl earrings. It was unconventional for prom, but it was the most glamorous dress I could imagine and it looked really good on me. John gave me a wrist corsage with a beautiful creamy magnolia. The stylist had done my hair long and wavy and I felt like Rita Hayworth, only less sex goddess. John looked completely appreciative, which made me feel good. This was the John I loved, smiling and full of interesting conversations. The way he looked at me made me feel like the only girl in the room. We had a great time. He had me home before curfew; we'd left the dance before it was over and gone to park. But there was no question of sex; I wasn't nearly ready for it and John never pressured me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. The only way he pushed me was academically and intellectually, which I welcomed.

Then it was finals, the yearbooks handed around and signed, and it seemed, before I knew it, that I was handed my purple graduation gown and cap with a purple and white tassel and we were practicing for the ceremony in the gym. The weather was looking too dodgy to have it outside.

On the day of, I wore my cheongsam again (I loved it and wished I could wear it more) with a pair of dainty high heels, the gold honors cord, and my student council stole. Grandpa took lots of pictures of me at home, and he was meeting my parents and brother at the high school.