Dark Night

Class

His crying jag didn't last long, and I passed him a packet of Kleenex from my purse. "Sorry, Leia," he mumbled, embarrassed. "I might have said I'm a mess." I stroked his hair once.

"Now I'm feeling guilty," I admitted. "I've been kind of focused on being hurt that you broke up with me and not really thinking about what you were going through, and I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good friend."

"You're still my best friend," he said on a shaky exhale. "You haven't gone through it, but you have a pretty good idea what I'm going through. I didn't really think it would be this bad.My therapist is really good, but he doesn't put things the way that you do. We've talked about how to take the skills that I developed as a skater and apply them to my life now, but it's been more like, 'that's over, how do I get along without it.' The way you talk about it, it's like I can still have it in my life. I'll always be an Olympian. I was arrogant when I read the resources and articles that talked about transition. Stan's really lucky that he has you getting him pointed in the right direction, preparing for it."

"He's still skating," I said, startled.

"But before I left we talked, and he's starting to think about his next steps, he's only got two or three years left, realistically, and he wants to get ready." He squeezed my hand. "It was kind of a crappy thing to do to break up with you, but I felt like I was going under water and all I could do was flail. I didn't want to drag you down with me. You're a better friend than I deserve. You're always there to support me when I let you."

"I could say the same thing. I feel better now that we're talking, and you look better than I thought you might." The waiter brought my second drink and the check, which John grabbed and put his card down on it. There was a line outside and I bet they wanted the table.

"I invited you," he said logically. He took his tissues with us when we left, depositing them in the trash so that the waiter didn't have to clean them up. We chatted as we walked back to the car, comparing schedules and sharing my horchata. I was feeling generous and full. We found that we had different classes but there was one that we had in the same building at the same time, and instantly resolved to meet up once a week for lunch afterward.

When we got out of the car, I walked around for a hug. "You're always going to be special, John. Just because you're not skating anymore doesn't mean that you're not still a champion. You didn't get kicked out of the sport, you didn't dope or anything. You earned it and the title is always going to be yours. Be proud of it, it's part of you, and you can use that success for support as you look around for your next adventure."

He sighed and I felt his hand stroke my ponytail once. "That's more helpful than you realize, Leia. Everybody's focused on me leaving skating behind and adjusting to life without it and it feels like I have to give it all up. But I don't."

I eased back and grinned at him. "You want to go skating again, call me. There's a rink in Santa Monica, I think."

"There's ice everywhere, actually," he said, smiling a little. "Not yet, but when I do, I'll call."

I flashed to the old movie Soapdish, where the Sally Field character sometimes goes to a mall to be recognized by fans to boost her self-esteem and I didn't know whether that would be helpful to John or not right now. If a champion figure skater is going to be recognized, it would be at an ice rink. Well, he'd find out eventually.

We parted after reaffirming our lunch on Thursday. I spent the rest of the night catching up with my friends at other schools, and I looked back at the Instagram photos of China. That had been amazing. I noticed that my parents and Grandpa were following me now too.