Dark Night

Christmas break

There was a lot to be done for Christmas. Grandpa and I had to get the tree up and some decorations  around the house.  There was baking to do and the menu to plan, sleep to be caught up on, cats to play with, and presents to be bought. Interesting things were happening at the business where Grandpa was a consultant and it was interesting to hear how he was guiding them as they expanded their business prudently. There was a party that the drill team threw, to which I was invited, and it was great to see Kara and the other girls I knew. And fun things to do with my friends, as a group or with individuals; movies, hanging out, getting meals or coffee. Cass was having a hard time with the idea that I wasn't with John but with a guy I didn't love.

"I just don't get it, Delia," she confessed as we sipped coffee. "I know you love John."

"As a friend, absolutely," I said. "But I have had to move on. I'm not going to spend my time pining after a guy who broke up with me and may never come back. I want to get as much experience as I can out of college, and dating and having relationships is part of that. I did think, at the start, that I was falling in love with Arthur. I mean, I like him a lot and he's a good guy, but I didn't know the difference between love and just overwhelming attraction. Now I do."

"I know you say you might not get married, but I just don't understand why you didn't wait until you were sure you were at least in a relationship." She stirred her coffee uneasily.

"Well, you and I have fundamental differences in the way we approach life," I said, trying to understand why she'd be upset. "I don't think that virginity is some sort of a prize or gift, it's just that you haven't engaged in an activity yet. I don't understand why people think that it's so important. From my perspective, I was glad that Arthur had a lot of experience because he knew what he was doing and he made it a terrific experience for me. We're both careful about protection and we never have sex without a condom even though his tests for STIs are clean. Everybody should feel that they have the right to choose the kind of life that works for them. I don't want to get married and find out only afterward that we're not sexually compatible because sex is an important part of a relationship." I sipped my coffee, it was getting cold. "I'm not saying that you should do anything you aren't comfortable with. Everybody needs to live their lives however they think it will make them the most comfortable. I'm not comfortable holding back when I want something, and I'm not comfortable with jumping into bed with any guy who winks at me, but if conditions are right, I'll do what makes me happy. I don't think that Arthur and I will make it to the end of spring semester, but as long as things are good between us, I don't see a reason to stop seeing him."

"I don't understand how you can be so fearless," she said.

"I'm pretty cautious, actually. I really did try to see what kind of a person Arthur was before I jumped. But right now I don't have much to lose as long as I keep my primary focus on school. I'm a little disappointed that Arthur isn't going to be my love, but to be honest, now I think I was on the rebound from John. I'm usually a pretty clear thinker, I went out on dates there before I met Arthur and this was the first time I've just been so into a guy from the first moments. So right now, I've gotten a lot out of this relationship already; I learned the difference between love and lust before it hurt me,  I had a great first experience and experienced a lot in that respect, I've enjoyed spending time with him and learning from him about a lot of things, not just music and surfing and sex. We've had disagreements and I've figured out how to have them without ending the relationship or blowing things out of proportion. These are all good things to know. I know that everybody's different and you can sure see it in public comments on the internet, but I don't think I have to be married with kids in order to be a real woman and I don't want to hang my hopes for happiness on somehow meeting the right man. If it happens for me, great. If it doesn't happen, it's ok. I can have a good life if I don't get married. And frankly, I have  a lot to learn about relationships still. I don't want to be like my parents. I don't know if I want kids. So honestly, Cass, I'm not fearless. I have some pretty decided opinions based on my personal experiences and they make me kind of wary."