Dark Night

Tour

Because I've been working hard, here's a bonus chapter for my loyal readers...

I slept in the next day almost until noon, then studied the rest of the afternoon. I went to dinner with Johanna and stayed in that night, studying. It wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I thought to check my phone, which had blown up. Keshondra had rallied the troops and I was just in time to keep Zayna from rounding up everybody to come down to hunt down John and make him regret it. I sent hasty texts all around saying that I didn't really think it had sunk in yet but that I was ok. Return texts were almost instantaneous and I felt bad about not responding to my friends' concern earlier, sending apologies and an explanation. Maya offered to borrow a cattle prod from some guys in the ag school who she knew and send it to me.  When I went to bed, I felt better about the situation. My newer friends didn't understand the situation as well and didn't know what a blow being chucked was; it wasn't as if John was my boyfriend, after all, but they also tried to pep me up. The tour of the Disney lot helped too.

It was a small group, four of Will's friends and three of their girlfriends. We got to go into soundstages that were not being used, walk through production departments, and meet people who worked there, including a few actors, only one of whom I really recognized. Tom Holland, you guys!! I got my pic snapped with him so I could prove that I'd met him. He is cuter in person than he is onscreen and his accent makes him a little hotter. Afterward, we all went to dinner and then the group broke up; we went back to Will's, where he played with my hair afterward. "I love your new cut," he said drowsily. "It's chic and sophisticated, it shines like glass, but I love that I can still play with it, get a good grip." I laughed and cuddled in.

It turned out that it wasn't until Friday, when I found myself going to the restaurant where John and I always met that the loss started to really sink its claws into me. I ended up driving out of the city to a little park and just absolutely wallowing in the rejection.  And over the next couple weeks, a meanness took firm root. Screw John, I thought. Or not. I couldn't believe I ever wanted to. He's stuck with a she-devil and he'll regret it. And I. am. done. I put anything that reminded me of him in a box and stuck it in the back of the closet. Mostly pictures, the little presents he'd given me for birthdays and Christmases. My Jenga game was missing a piece. I might have to get another one anyway; people loved to sign the blocks and I was running out of sides. I turned my attention to Will, who was thrilled to have a relationship with me. He cosseted me tremendously.

So I had to have a conversation with him about the future. I wanted him to know from the outset that I wasn't interested in leading him on, that I really did care for him, but I didn't see a future with him. The girlfriends of other football players who were projected to be drafted this year or next were all students, all getting degrees, but their expectation was that they would get married, have kids, and live in a big mansion, keeping the house for their important husbands.

"Thing is," I said, twisting my fingers nervously, "that's not me. I've spent so much of my life supporting and enabling elite athletes to do their thing and be successful. I can't do it over the long haul anymore. I just can't. It's my time now. I'm going to go to grad school, get a job doing fieldwork, going all over the world. If I get married or in a long-term relationship, I need a guy who is ok with seeing me off and dealing with any kids on his own while I'm gone. And climate change isn't a career where I can pick up easily and move. Most NFL cities don't have jobs for me."

He listened to this peaceably and he said that while we differed in what we wanted for our futures, there was no reason we couldn't be together now. "You've got really  good relationships with your exes, as much as possible," he said, "and I hope that will happen with us too. I'm glad you're being straight with me. We'll enjoy the time we have together and hopefully part as friends when it's time." I peered at him. "I'm really serious," he said, running his hand down my side. "I could see a future with you, but what we want is too different. I'm not going to pressure you to change your mind, because I know you're really committed to your dream and I don't want you to have to compromise. You deserve your dreams too. I'm just going to value each moment we're together."