Tour Bus Troublemaker// c.p.

In My Blood *Bonus*

Shawn's POV:
I should've picked up my phone to call her.

Just to hear her voice one last time would complete me, complete the brokenness that is my heart.

Since she left, I haven't been the same. I'll be the first to admit that her death changed me, and not for the better. She was a part of me; she was a part of my soul.

I've been having thoughts.

Terrible, deadly thoughts.

What if I was the reason she did what she did?

How can I go on?...

The fans needed me more than ever nowadays, but I couldn't go anywhere without remembering her. We had so much fun and made so many memories in such little time.

Would this ever get better?

I wondered this for months, going to party after party and event after event. I tried everything from drinking to medicine to ease my nerves and thoughts...nothing seemed to work.

I wanted to give up so badly.

The walls were caving in, no matter what I did or where I went. My world was ending, and there was no one at fault but me.

Finally, one night, I was sitting on the cold tiles of a hotel room bathroom. Now seemed to be the perfect time to do it. I was alone and it was late; someone was bound to find me soon.

I clutched the pill bottle in my fist, tears welling up in my reddening eyes. I stared at the label for a minute, or an hour I'm not sure, and closed my eyes, leaning my head against the closed door.

Do it.

Nobody truly cares about you, anyway. They just want your money.

You're the reason she died, you know.

This is your perfect opportunity.

The pill bottle shook slightly in my hand as I slowly opened it and poured the contents into my clammy palm.

The evil thoughts continued to fill my head and I stared at the pills in my hand.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and-

Don't do it.

A little voice, merely a whisper, suddenly filled my reckless brain.

All at once, the horrifying, deafening ideas were silenced.

I opened my eyes and let the tears of despair trail down my cheeks. What had my life come to? Why was suicide the solution?

I couldn't do it.

It wasn't me. I couldn't solve my problems by ending my life; it would just lead to problems in the lives of the people I cared about most.

This wasn't me.

I couldn't do it.

It wasn't in my blood.

I shouted loudly in frustration and agony, hurling the pills and bottle across the bathroom. The sound of the plastic hitting the wall filled the air and the pills soon followed.

I couldn't sleep for days on end after that night in the hotel bathroom. Thoughts were still running around in my mind, but now they were more inspiring thoughts.

Soon, I had written a few lyrics down. A few turned into more, and those more became a song. My favorite song I've ever written, to be exact.
********
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you'll feel better
Just take her home and you'll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It isn't in my blood

Looking through my phone again feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could...

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It isn't in my blood

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

It isn't in my blood
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn't in my blood.
**********
I'm still not sure what prompted me to continue my life that night. Perhaps it was an act of God, maybe it was just my conscious thinking about the people I loved. I'd chosen to believe that Kristen was somehow watching over me, begging me not to do it. And by some miracle, I'd heard her pleas.

I heard you, Kris.

I heard.
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