Yours Truly

December 10, 1995

Dear Superman,

You're hotter and taller in real life. I mean darn. I knew you were built like a god and gifted the rare beauty of an eight pack, but wow. You are one stunning alien man beast.

And I just thought I should say that because I want you to still like me. We've had a rocky relationship in these letters, you and I. And even though Batman could totally give you the smack down, I think you are pretty average. And that's a compliment!

But back to what I was going to talk about.

Are you good with the female species Supes? I mean I thought I was a real lady killer, but today didn't really go as planned. You see, today was the day when I finally summoned the courage to talk to this girl in my class. I kind of like her.

Her name is Vanessa Higgins.

She's really loud and super bubbly. She's also really funny. She has brown hair that reaches to her waist and it's really wavy. It kind of reminds me of melted chocolate.

Anyway, it was recess. And I went up to talk to her. As always, she had her girl gang around her and some guys subtly flirting. I squeezed my way through the crowd and smiled.

I lost my words. I froze.

Oh, Supes. I wish I had your magical eight pack and bulbous muscles at that particular moment in time because I could tell she was uncomfortable and maybe muscles would have made it better.

She stared at me and then I stared at her.

Everyone around us started giggling.

I finally choked out, "I like... like 'yo face."

Everyone laughed harder and she just smiled and scoffed a little. 

"Thanks, um...," was all she said.

I could feel my cheeks burning and so I walked away as fast as I could. I could hear everyone start to snicker and whisper. I thought about using my powers to impress her. That's not wrong is it? But I thought about Uncle. I couldn't hide it from him.

So I did nothing but run inside as the bell rang. I sat in the back of the class and doodled a picture of me joining the League.

If only I had your hotness, my superhuman companion.

Maybe I could have done things right.

But you know what happened next? One of the girls surrounding Vanessa walked up to me and gave me a note.

Stay away from me, Hill-Billy.

-Vanessa

That's what it said.

And now I have a nickname.

Did this happen to you Supes? I'm sure you were awkward like me once, so it had to. But now I have the best plan. I have to turn into the other guy to impress her.

I'll figure out the best plan. Then she'll like me.

Sincerely,

Hill-Billy