Yours Truly

December 20, 1995

Dear Justice League,

What do I do if people keep pestering me? It's obvious that I can't punch them in the face or strike them down with lightening, so please give me an alternative option.

And, I'll be honest. I guess it isn't really pestering. I think it's bullying because everyone keeps calling me Hill-Billy, and excluding me, and other stupid nonsense.

But I guess it isn't that bad if I try to be a happy go lucky kind of fellow who smiles and waves. But that's kind of hard when everyone laughs and just makes fun of me some more.

It's mostly at recess.

You see, when we go to recess I'm all alone and when I try to join other people's groups or games, they just move to a different place and shut me out all together. I try to follow them, but they just keep moving and pretending I'm invisible.

And also, it's winter. Which means terrible snow. Because of all the snow here, they throw ice balls at me when the teacher's aren't watching. That's right! Ice balls! Not any gosh darn snow balls. Ice balls!

I would say that the ice in my face doesn't really do anything to my gorgeous skin, but that would be a lie. I got a bloody nose a couple times. And it scratched my cheek.

And of course no one really noticed it. I mean, Uncle did, so he kept asking questions. But I can't really tell him what happens. So instead, I just tell him that I picked my nose too hard and I itched my face too hard and scratched myself doing it.

But I'll tough it out. I'll tough it out and be the bigger man and take the highest road that I can take.

I know I should tell somebody, right? Wrong! I don't want to be a tattletale. Plus, Vanessa wouldn't like me anymore. And I know you guys would tell me to get over this whole Vanessa fiasco.

But I can't.

Her beauty is too precious to me. Sorry, Wonder Woman, I think she might out score you in hotness.

I won't tell anyone. Not even, Uncle. I can't lose Vanessa. My dearest fifth grade love.

Signed with tough macho-manliness,

Hill-Billy