Aftermath • Drarry

041

Been looking forward to the future

But my eyesight is going bad

In these crystal balls

It's always cloudy except for

When you look into the past - Fall Out Boy; Thnks fr the mmrs

***

'So, Mr. Malfoy, do you think you have made progress so far?'

I shrugged at my therapist question, not really being sure if I actually had made as much progress as I thought I had. Maybe that was all just in my head, maybe I had made some progress but compared to others it was almost nothing.

'I do not know,' I answered honestly. 'I know that I have made progress, I sleep a lot better and getting out of by bed is not as hard anymore as it used to be. Maybe I even smile a little more, but I am not sure about that either.'

'Well, if you ask me,' she started, but I had not asked her. 'I would say that you indeed have made progress, except for those two "accidents" of course. You are indeed smiling a lot more, something which is really good. I am also very proud of you, you have made a few friends already which is a good thing as well.'

I nodded after hearing her words, not knowing what else to do. My back was not sweaty anymore, my heart beat was under control. Talking to Dr. Dolan was not as hard anymore as it used to be, something that made me feel a little proud of myself. Admitting that you had done something wrong was hard, but so was admitting that you had done something right.

'So, I would like to talk to you about your mother. How did you conversation this Saturday go?' she asked me while taking her notebook in front of her. 'It went sort of okay, I suppose,' I answered. 'We did not yell at each other, in fact, I let her speak and allowed her to tell me why she lied. Then we talked and talked for an hour maybe. And we hugged, so I suppose our conversation went really well.'

'I am so happy to hear that,' she spoke happily. 'Did she explain to you why she lied?'

'Yeah, she told me that seeing me making progress made her want to do the same thing. She even acknowledged that she was aware of the fact that their relationship is a toxic one, so that is positive. I advised her to seek some help since she cannot leave that shitty man on her own.'

She smiled at me, writing something down before speaking up again. 'I am so happy that your mother wants to get out of that situation, I will sent her a letter this afternoon to let her know that there are really good therapists working in this clinic, who might be able to help her to get through this,' she said, directly writing something else down. 'How are you feeling about the fact that your parent might get a divorce?'

'I am relieved,' I said, making sure to let her know exactly how I felt. 'But I am also sort of afraid I suppose, it hurts a little as well. Once upon a time they were my image of a relationship build with love, but that ended years ago. I do not know why it stings me a little, just a little to think about the fact that they might really split up for good.'

'Can I make a guess why you are feeling that way?' she asked me, making sure that I wanted to hear her opinion before she would spill it out. Once words were said there was no way to take them back, no matter how much you wanted to. Once you made the other aware of your thoughts there was no turning back.

'Yeah, go ahead,' I said, agreeing to hear her opinion. 'Alright,' she said before taking a deep breath. 'I think that you are afraid to let go of that image that the world might have from your family. I think you are afraid that nothing will be the same anymore since the one thing you always thought that you could rely on is slipping right through your fingers, could that be right?'

'Yeah,' I said, nodding in agreement. 'That sounds logical. I know that their relationship has not been the same for years, but a lot of people do not. They will attack my mother with questions, I really do not want her to have to answer those, not when she is vulnerable.'

'Maybe you can both get some help to let that man in your pasts, how does that sound?'

'Great, actually,' I said with honesty. 'My father has been on my mind non-stop ever since he had seem to lose his love for me. I could not stop thinking about why he would stop loving me, why he would stop spending time with me. For years I tried to make him proud of me desperately, but that man is not capable of being proud of anyone except for himself. I cannot bear him in my mind any longer.'

'Then maybe you should get rid of him, figuratively I mean,' she said, pulling something out of her map. It took me a moment to realise that she was holding a picture of my dad in her hands, which had been in every newspaper when he was arrested. He looked into the camera with his well known confidence, even though his neck was covered in a white neck collar and his hands were holding his prisoner number. 'I want you to burn this picture of him, I want you to get rid off everything that is bothering you about him, I want you to get rid off all that bad energy from that man. I want you to allow yourself to be free.'

'I-I have to b-burn h-him?' I asked, with a little shock in my voice. Dr. Dolan smiled gently at me. 'Only if you feel like you are ready for it,' she assured me, not pushing me into anything the way my father used to do. My therapist was one of those people who showed me that there were kind people on this earth. She was one of those persons who showed me that it was okay to be weak sometimes. My own father had called me weak when I cried, he had told me that a real men should not cry. Eventually I had started to believe him, resulting into me not showing my emotions, ever. That is why I kept everything inside until my emotions exploded. Dr. Dolan had assured me on so many ways that it did not matter if I cried, I would still be the same strong man.

'I want to do it,' I all of a sudden said with a boost of confidence. 'I want to see that picture of my dad burn.'

'Good,' she said, taking a bock filled with matches out of her pocket. She slowly gave it to me, waiting for me to put one of them on fire. And I did, as the tip of the little wooden stock stroke down against the side of the package I watched it getting on fire. I slowly brought the little flame to the picture and after taking one last deep breath the fire and the picture connected.

The fire started to spread slowly, first the edge of the paper burnt down but later so did the number that he was holding in his hands. I felt like I could no longer reach for oxygen when the flame started to attack his face. We both watched how my father's picture burnt down. As the ashes were blown away by the ventilator that was standing in the office of Dr. Dolan I saw the last pieces of my father's picture disappear.

That was when a strange feeling hit me. It was a feeling of relieve in a form I had never felt it before. It was like someone had finally taken off the backpack filled with rocks which I had been carrying for years. It felt like I had been standing in front of an open window while it was raining and I was getting wet, but I could not close it. But now I had finally been able to close it. I had finally been able to let go of the most toxic person in my life. Even though I knew he had not left my life completely I felt like he had at that moment.

'Thank you,' I thanked the strong women sitting in front of me. 'Thank you so much for everything.'

I knew that I would never be able to thank her enough, not after everything she had done for me. She was such a pure soul whom deserved nothing more then happiness, love and joy in her life. All because she had saved mine.