Aturdir (Matt Holt x Reader)

Think Again, Holt

Matt still couldn't move. He felt ripped and torn at the edges, so overthrown by mental convolution he couldn't think clearly.

A soft knock came at his door, and all he could do was whimper in response. The knock came again, and again, and again until the person on the other side grew impatient and forcefully opened the door. Matt lifted his head slightly to see the blurry silhouette approaching him and immediately knew it was Pidge because no one else could hack into his room.

He lowered his head back down to the floor in dejection and suppressed a sob from leaving his body. The floor around his face was damp from the tears which had been relentlessly torrenting down his face over the past few hours. His hair had taken up some of those tears, causing it to look messier than it normally was.

Quietly, the girl went to the bathroom and rung out a towel before coming back and sitting down in front of Matt. Gently encouraging him to sit up, she began to clean up the mess that was the left side of Matt's face. The rebel fighter sat hunched over, leaning his head into the girls hands, his entire frame radiating disheartenment.

"Pidge, why did no one ever warn me—" He was hyperventilating as he raised a hand to press into his chest. "That this would hurt like this?"

The girl continued to clean up Matt, even though it was exceedingly difficult in the near pitch black room.

"You don't have to hurt anymore." Her voice sounded in comfort but Matt just shook his head in disagreement.

"It's never going to be the same. I should have told her—just said how much I cared a long time ago." He sighed. "Now it's too late."

"You really do like her, don't you?" She asked.

Matt lowered his head even more into her hands. "I don't know anymore, Pidge. She doesn't remember me."

"If she does remember you, will you tell her?"

Matt had hit his limit. It was over. That was all he wanted, for her to remember again so that he'd be able to spit everything out he'd failed to say before all of this had happened. "She's not going to remember, Pidge. We've tried everything..."

The girl scoffed and dropped Matt's head from her hands. "You know, if I knew my partner might give up on me so easily, I'm not sure I would have agreed to join him in the first place."

For a moment, Matt sat in silence, consumed by confusion at the words which had just been sent his way. He blinked a couple of times in hopes of clearing his vision and allowing for more light to enter his eyes, but it didn't do anything. "Pidge?"

"Think again, Holt." The voice, which Matt now realized definitely was not Pidge's, sounded again.

Matt, entirely convinced he was in a nightmare, scrambled backwards towards his bed and searched for the lights with his hands. When he found the switch, he flicked it on and who sat in the middle of the room made his stomach churn.

"Y-Y/N?" Matt struggled to keep himself on his feet.

"Matt?" The girl mocked his voice and matched his look of shock, confusion and disbelief on her face. "And, before you ask, yes, my memory is back."

The look of doubt on Matt's face slowly began to falter as it was replaced by a small smile. He furrowed his brows and tugged at his shaggy hair, releasing a sharp breath of stupefaction and relief.

With his mouth agape he struggled for something to say, anything at all. "I thought you were gone."

"Nah, unfortunately, you guys have to put up with me for a while longer." Y/N crossed her arms and tilted her head with a little mischievous smile that Matt hadn't realized how much he missed.

Completely unable to stop himself from doing so, Matt lunged forwards and took the girl in his arms. He hugged so tight Y/N swore he nearly broke her ribs.

"You remember everything?" Matt asked quietly, nuzzling his face into her neck.

Y/N laughed lightly and Matt could feel his heartbeat falter a little. "Everything." She confirmed. "Some memories are still a little fuzzy, but they're there."

Matt stepped back and held Y/N at an arms length, looking to her soft Y/E/C eyes in the dim light.

"Just don't try to kill me again." He giggled as he ruffled Y/N's hair before pulling her into his chest again.

"No guarantees." She teased.

Somehow, Matt mustered the strength to toss Y/N over his shoulder and stumble towards the bed where he threw her down playfully.

"And don't let anything like that happen ever again! If you give yourself up again—"

"Matt," Y/N tried to calm the boy down by grabbing his hands and dragging him to sit. Even though he tried to make himself seem happy and untroubled now that her memory was back, Y/N knew he was still angry, upset, and afraid that it might happen all over again. "I can't make any promises. We're in a war. You do realize that?"

"That doesn't mean you need to jump at every opportunity to get yourself hurt." He sulked, trying to look away but Y/N kept her gaze on him.

"Some sacrifices need to be made," She reinforced. "So, maybe it'd be best if you—"

"Don't ask me to stop caring because I know I can't." Matt asserted before Y/N could finish what she was saying. "I've tried. I have honestly fought to stop thinking and caring about you but I can't. I-I don't know why, but truthfully, I don't want to stop. Never in my life have I cared about someone in the same way I care about you, and I don't want to lose that. Because, even though all of this has caused me more hurt, doubt, and misery than I've ever felt... I've never been happier."

Y/N sat staring at Matt in disbelief. She'd never seen him pour out his thoughts so rapidly and with such force ever before. He really did think the world of her.

"I didn't say that if you were going down, I'd be coming with you for no reason. I meant it in more ways than one, Y/N."

That night, Y/N stayed with Matt. She explained all she could from what had happened in Zarkon's prison, how he'd wiped her memory, and all of the unpleasant things she had to live with during her time there. With every short story, she'd point to a scar on her body which went along with it. Luckily, they were small and mostly healed. The girl fell asleep during the midst of telling Matt about some of the rebel fighters who were also in the prison and all of the plans they'd attempted to come up with in order to escape.

When Matt could tell she was fully asleep, he looked to his side and scanned her face. It was exactly as he remembered, but now it was painted with small cuts, scrapes, and bruises. Though, she seemed to bear them with bride, completely unfazed by their marks. After all, they were a sign she'd escaped.

As carefully as possible, Matt snuck his arm under the shoulders of the girl that lay beside him and then wrapped his other around her back, pulling her into his chest.

Though the time she'd been gone was miserable, and how believing she'd never get her memory back was heartbreaking, having her here in his arms was worth it all. Despite all, Matt told himself he'd do it all over again if he could.