Blowing Smoke (Harry Styles)

Chapter 73

The days that followed our abortion scare were quite numbing. I felt as if I had made the wrong choice by keeping this child, but then I felt like I did exactly what I was supposed to. I was well aware that what was inside my stomach was Harry’s and mine but I didn’t like the fact that I had to be a mother to this child when it came out. Of course, I didn’t want to tell Harry this in fear of what he would say, so I just kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut. In my defense, anyone would be regretful after a major decision. Though I prayed that in the long-term, I would be very content with my choice, though in those days, I assumed that my decision wasn’t very wise.

I spent those days lying down on my bed, staring up absentmindedly at the ceiling in a similar fashion to when I was younger and had troubling thoughts. I imagined what it would be like to a mother, considering I was anything but maternal. Being motherly was definitely not something I aspired to be, nor planned on being. The Oxford dictionary defines a mother as, “A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth”. Speaking on technical terms, I would fit the criteria of a mother in nine months, however I didn’t feel like I fit the cultural adaptation version of the word. However, the definition of motherly is, “Of, resembling, or characteristics of a mother, especially in being protective, caring, and kind”. That description, I felt I did not fit, which was the issue. I was not motherly, therefore, how could I be a mother if I possessed no motherly characteristics. I was not protective, caring, nor kind. But then again, neither was my mother and she was a decent mother, as I recall from my childhood.

With this troubling thoughts in my head I managed to eat, sleep, bathe, and converse minimally. I needed to settle the thoughts to feel much less bland. Harry helped though. His treatment of me could be compared to that of royalty. He inarguably inherited the maternal characteristics from his own mother while I was screwed over by my not-so-protective, uncaring, and unkind mother.

What did I have against my mother? She left us. It was those three words that sum up my relationship with my mother. Of course, she didn’t leave through a divorce, but she left to fight overseas. I loved her unconditionally, but I did not like her as a person at all. She felt that her job was much more important than her family and that she needed to help her country rather than her own family. Call it selfish of me since she was being so selfless to help our country, but what kind of woman would consider herself a mother and abandon her children to be raised by a hardly present father and a cook who hardly spoke English?

What was I going to do about my problem though? Would it be easier to mope around over the fact that I wasn’t what I had to be or was I going to get off my ass and make a difference in myself? Why wouldn’t I just try to become protective, caring and kind? It would be a quite the stretch and effort to do so, but I would at least attempt, I told myself.

I could be protective. I’m usually not a person to get aggressive over my property or possessions, but I could. Maybe I could become jealous over women and Harry. That could possibly work. And I bet that I would develop protectiveness when it came to my baby once it came. Hopefully I would.

I could be caring…I guess. I’m not the type of person to be very caring towards others; I’m quite selfish actually. However, I do believe that I could be considered caring if I showed care towards some people around me, like Harry or Perrie.

I could be kind. I’m not a kind person considering I will never act for the good of others. I never, ever, think about how my action could affect someone; it never seems to cross my mind. But maybe I could change that. Maybe I could be much more kind to others and work towards the common good. It might work.

With some effort, I believed that I could achieve these personality changes. I could become a caring, protective and kind person. I vowed to myself that I would completely undergo the personality change before the nine months of the pregnancy would be up. But I couldn’t just lie around on my bed while I could be out changing myself.