Eyes full of stars | ✔️

Chapter 38: Truly madly deeply

"I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.

A reason for living.

A deeper meaning."

-Savage Garden

*

I made a trip to Cornwall, bringing Sherlock with me.

The graveyard where my father was buried had a spectacular view on the coast. I had chosen that place because I loved the romantic idea that he could enjoy the smell and breeze of the sea for all eternity. I was sure he would have preferred to be buried in our farm, but I had to sell it... and he knew that I would. I still could see him, tall, large and red headed, observing me as I drew, unconcerned about the world around me, while he was polishing his tools, his face saying "You are bigger than this farm, sweetheart, aren't you?" He didn't care that I inherited the place where he had lived and worked in since forever, he cared that I would inherit his values. Respect, humility, loyalty. And I had lived to follow those values and many more that I added by myself while growing up. So, I hoped that he would have been proud of me for that.

As for me, I was proud to have returned to visit his grave after the three years that had passed since his death.

A bunch of flowers in my hands, my shoulders and neck covered with a wool scarf, I pulled Sherlock's leash through the gravestones and we stopped by the right one. I kneeled down and put the flowers on the ground. Sherlock sat down near me, his nose smelling the wind that was ruffling my hair and his fur.

"Hi, Dad" I said, my hands on my thighs. "I'm sorry I haven't come before. I guess I was... afraid to have a breakdown." My eyes were already filling with tears. "You know that I have always felt and looked for strong emotions, although, at the same time, I was scared of them. I was right to be, emotions have destroyed me in the last months, yes... but I don't regret anything." I move some curls of my hair behind my ears. "I met this guy... you would have loved him as much as I do." I lowered my head. "Yes, I still do. I still love the whole of him." When I raised my head again, tears were running down my cheeks. "I made a mistake, I was too frightened of my feelings, and so I lost him. But, you know... it's alright." I smiled, although I wasn't feeling it. "You would always tell me that I had a big strength and courage inside of me, that I was more than a sweet, creative and smart girl. And that you couldn't wait to see what I would have become. So... here I am." I outstretched my arms. "I have become that woman that you saw in me. All because a man who had stars in his eyes each time he looked at me managed to pull out the strongest emotion I had inside, making my best self coming out too."

I burst into tears and I sat, Sherlock licking the hands that were covering my face. After a minute, I took a Kleenex out of my purse and wiped my nose. Sherlock laid down and put his white and black head on my lap.

"I-I guess I have to find a way to accept that I lost him for good" I went on, my voice broken. "Like I had done to cope with your death. I feel totally incomplete without him, but I'll manage. I will find a different happiness, sooner or later." I smiled. "His son - yes, he's got a son, an amazing little guy - called me Merida. You know, like the heroine of the Brave movie, I think we watched it together one Christmas. So hilarious" I laughed. "He gave me the definition I needed to push myself, exactly at the right moment. A warrior princess."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to enjoy the wind. Sherlock started to be playful, laying with his paws up and wagging his tail. I petted him on his chest and belly, emitting squeaky noises. "Do you remember Sherlock? He and Felicity are my family now. They are my sources of strength and joy and I fight every single day to deserve their love."

Sherlock turned around a sat up to clean himself. I stared at my father's gravestone like it was him in person. "I have come here now, with Sherlock, because I wanted you to see that I maybe feel heartbroken, but I don't feel lost anymore. I don't feel scared anymore. Not like I used to be, at least." I smiled. "I'm a warrior princess ready to go to battle any time, with bow and arrows, with a sword, it doesn't matter... I have all I need to face anything, be it good or bad. I hope you understand it and you are proud of me, although I'm not here with Prince Charming, like many fathers would wish for their daughters. I hope you are... because I am."

The wind kicked up and I started to feel cold. I stood up. "I have to go now" I said louder, the wind quickly taking the sound of my words away. "I promise you that I will keep trying to be this person every day of my life, Dad. I promise you that those who love me will always know that I love them in return, Felicity and Sherlock on top, even in my darkest hours. It's going to be difficult, but I know in my heart that you are with me and will always help me from wherever you are." I took a step forward, kissed my fingers and touched his grave with them. "I love you, Dad."

I turned towards my dog, bent down to pet him and kiss him on the head and straightened again.

"Let's go, good boy" I said, feeling at peace andready to face my future.