A/N: The title is also relevant to me because I haven't published in a while lol oops
Bill P.O.V
Mike Hanlon called me. After what? Almost 30 years perhaps. It's not like I've counted. But now, I have to go back. Back to that hell that I'd almost forgotten about. I promised. I had too...
So, of course, I went back. I saw everyone. They were all there. Beverly, I remember having a little schoolboy crush on her. Eddie, one of my best friends, still smaller than all of us, and taking his "gazebos". Richie hadn't changed much. He made jokes constantly, did his little voices but hey, at least he actually made a living out of his shit.
Ben was there too. He looks great. A sweet man he still is. Mike, the guy who called me. He looked great too. I remember meeting him and seeing his innocent and caring face. Now, you can tell he's been through hell. Man, I miss life before IT... I had looked around for Stan. No one knew where he was.
Days later, we found out that Stanley Uris was dead. We were all devastated, but for some reason I wasn't as surprised as everyone else was. I was kind of expecting it. We were at the same exact place where we made the promise to come back, 27 years ago. Stan wasn't prepared, I guess, killing himself was easier than doing this. All seve- six of us talked about the fact that IT was back. Terrified. We travelled to visit Stan. His grave at least. But, it wasn't there.
We were so sure that Stan's wife told us he was at that specific graveyard. As we're all crouching on the ground, a shuffling was heard behind us. We turn around and were astonished. I assumed a smile was on my face as I saw him, but looking back on it I do not think it was a smile. My mouth just hung open.
The one and only Stanley Uris stood with medical cloth around his arm from his wrist to his elbow.
No one spoke for a long while. Until Stan finally terminated the silence.
"I'm back."
"Huh, yeah, Stan we can see that!" Mike said, unsure. They all stood up but I hadn't noticed, so I stayed down. They all stood beside me as they spoke to Stan.
I was a mix of emotions. Happiness, surprise, ones I haven't felt in a really long time... but also anger. Angry at the fact that Stanley could potentially die because of something else, not on his own terms. Or by his own choice.
I hadn't noticed that Stanley had continued talking. Once I tuned back in, I saw that no one was completely happy about this situation. They were uncomfortable. And, dare I say, scared. But I was confused, because even though it had been close to 30 years, I wouldn't have thought his voice would sound like that. It was different, even if he was now an adult it just didn't sound right, but no one else seemed to notice.
"Are you okay?" I interrupted.
"Of course." Stan stared at me.
"You sound different." There was a pause after my accusation. He looked perplexed.
"What do you mean Billy boy. I haven't changed at all." Stanley smiled. But not like a genuine smile. Something was off. He never called me that. He started walking over to us, I was still on the ground.
"Stan your wrists are bleeding! What the fuck is going on!" Eddie yelled. His forearms gushing, more than you'd think they ever could. By then, I knew something was wrong.
"Holy shit." Richie said.
Stanley started walking faster towards us, in what was such an unsettling way that we all couldn't help but feel rather threatened. Which we shouldn't have because it was Stan, right? No. Wrong. It definitely wasn't Stan because things started to change on his body. He started to get taller, his hair grew quickly and changed slowly to a unusually bright orange colour and his clothes deformed into clothes an everyday person would never wear. But then I knew, and my conflicted fears came to rise. Pennywise.
It walked towards me. Everyone stared in fear, evidently remembering all the fears we all once felt 27 years ago. My vision blurred for a long moment. I genuinely felt I would pass out, from fear and honest emotional exhaustion. Once I opened my eyes again, all I could focus on was this disgusting figure, who was a deformed mixture of Pennywise the dancing clown and Stanley, oh god Stanley. I knew right then that he must actually be dead. Stanley.
"You're back boys and girls." It said in that tone of voice that I had not missed one bit. That screechy, ear-piercing voice.
"For 27 years.. I dreamed of you... I craved you... I've missed you!"
All of a sudden, he jumped towards us, screaming. It halted aggressively from reaching us when something hard hit It from behind. It paused, turned around, but was in the way of my view from seeing what or who it was. Everyone else seemed to see and were shocked.
Everything happened so fast. The deformation heaved a laugh then leaped back towards us, directly at Eddie who stood beside Richie. I never got a chance to look back at what made It pause. I must've been too overwhelmed because after that, I had no idea what happened. All I remember is waking up in Mike's house, still in Derry. And when I woke up, I saw Beverly, Richie, Ben and Mike sitting beside me. Richie sat the farthest away, his face in his hands even when he realized I was awake.
"Oh shit, Billy's up." Bev said.
"Where uh... where's Eddie?" I questioned, still getting my bearings.
They all looked at each other, in an unsettling way. Richie moved uncomfortably.
"Well..." Ben said. "It's a bit of a long story.. um..." He frowned.
"It's not like I'm going anywhere! What happened?" I started to feel irritated at the lack of information.
Richie turned to me and took his head out of his hands, and answered my annoyance with his own. "Eddie's dead. It killed him." It looked like Richie had been crying. By the feeling in the room and the looks on everyone's faces, I understood better about how he felt about Eddie. I thought he'd never be the same. Eddie, my best friend since we were kids... him too, I thought. Mike started, "But, um- so is Stan. After he tried to save you, Pennywise-"
"Woah, wait!" That was wrong, I thought. I believed Stan died because he killed himself. "Stan killed himself, Mike. Pennywise was disguised as him, right? What do you mean 'tried to save me'? Stan is dead." I was completely confused. Bev glanced at Mike, as to signal that she'd handle this.
"Stan... actually wasn't dead. I- I think... The only reason you're alive right now is because of him."
"What the fuck are you talking about right now? You're making no sense. Just tell me already!" I began to sit up but Mike held my shoulders and, with his gentle touch, helped me relax and lowered me back down.
"Alright," Beverly started, "When Pennywise was about to attack you, the actual alive Stanley came in and, holy shit, beat the hell out of It." She cracked a compassionate laugh. Which made me smile a little too. She was so contagious. "I don't know how that's possible, because yes his wife believed he was dead, too. It must've been an illusion or something? I have no idea... it makes no sense. But, the real Stanley didn't have scars on his arms. But he fought like a hound before he-" She paused, annoyingly.
"What? He what? Spit it out! Please!" My hands waived frantically, waiting for an answer. God, I needed to know what happened to Stan.
"He died, but... it seemed like it was by choice, most likely. For you." Richie finished with an apologetic look on his face, even though he wasn't the usual for sappy moments.
I didn't reply. My face must have been completely blank. Completely. I laid down flat on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes tight as tears fell from my them and travelled close to my ears. Some tears got in my hair as I thought about how I maybe could have seen him again. Stanley Uris didn't really even have to die. There has to have been some way the others could have helped and Stan and Eddie could have lived. And those thoughts... those thoughts I had before... the feelings I hadn't felt in such a long time, the ones I felt to repress deep inside my heart.
I would never get to live out what my heart was urging me to do.
Stan I miss you.
