HE'S MINE → JASON MCCANN

00:21

Instagram: @kiiraelizabeth
Spotify: @kxkxn
Playlist name: "BOOK PLAYLIST 👩🏾‍💻"

Are there songs that remind you of my book? Comment them here.

Chapter Twenty-One|
J a s o n p o v

→

Being deprived of someone you love for so long  is a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone. You feel like your stuck in a place you don't want to be. You feel hopeless and trapped, especially when the blame is on you. You can be with the person but you chose to fuck it up, and now you're alone. Then you start to wish for the ability to turn back time, not taking advantage of the opportunity of being with someone who loves you unconditionally. Someone who is willing to help you battle your demons, not battle them for you.

I grew from the experience of being without her. Growth is something I always felt like I lacked. I felt as though I was a fucked person and I'd always be an fucked up person. With her,  I realized that I placed all my eggs in one basket. I placed all my happiness in one person. I placed my will to live all in one person. That was unfair of me. Placing that kind of pressure on someone isn't realistic and it's unhealthy. There's nothing wrong with finding happiness in others, but you need to learn how to find happiness within yourself. It's hard but not impossible.

I have to learn to live for myself first before I live for someone else.

Everything leading up to this moment allows me to perceive her differently. Her growth is something I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. She sacrificed apart of herself—the good parts—for me. Is that a good thing? It depends on how you define good. When you kill someone apart of yourself becomes rotten. Apart of your humanity dies with the person. This is a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not a woman I want to mentally poison into thinking what I do is normal.

Am I worth it? I want to be. Scratch that, I will be. Not only that, she sacrificed her life for me. Not a lot of people can say that about anyone, but I can. I will never run away from us again. I'm not coward. I'm not afraid of us. Most importantly it's not what she deserves. We've been through so much for me to just fuck everything up continuously. I need to start fighting for her like she fights for me. It's what a  relationship entails.

With everything we've been through, she's more than just my girlfriend. She's my soulmate. I've never done this with anyone, I've never experienced this with anyone. I've never been in love like this with anyone. I can't build this kind of feeling with anyone else.

She nudges me, ripping me away from my self reflection.

"What's wrong?" She asks, searching my eyes.

I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts, I wasn't aware that I was just staring at her. A gesture that use to intimidate her.

"Nothing." I breathe, leaning down to attach our lips together. She restricts our kiss to a peck, pulling away.

"Are you sure you're ok?" She asks,

She always knows if something's on my mind.

I flop down on the space beside her, running my fingers through my abnormally long hair. Did I just interrupt the incredible sex we were just about to have? I'm an idiot. I wince, feeling irritation from one of the bruises on my skin. She looks over at me, her eyes scanning my body. She sits up, focusing on the aid kit next to her. She cracks it open, already knowing what to use.