Dear Virginity

- Twelve -

I wake up next morning, the sun breathing on my face, or so I thought.

I turn to see Bodhi spooning me in my bed, our bodies still bare and last night sequenced. I twirl my fingers through his smooth hair, pulling him into me. A pair of lips kiss my neck and I twist my head, ticklish.

"Morning beautiful." He kisses me.
"Morning." I kiss him back, his arms circling a warmth around my back.
"About last night.." he sighs and I only laugh.
"I'm sorry I had to ruin the moment." I apologized.
"No, no, it's fine, I know you're really focused on your career since you're still in college, you're mind's set on a lot of things and...sex is a lot to ask for, do, or say." Bodhi says, rubbing his thumb on my cheek.
"And neither is it easy to get." I say, getting him in chuckles while I'm getting out of bed.

His hand smacks my butt harshly and I don't expect it, a large stinging on my right cheek. About last night, I don't know if it counted as losing my virginity, but he surely made me do things I didn't know I could do or say. I guess it was only a few sexual turns hinging below the judgement. I am only 19, should I be in that commitment? I know I wouldn't tell my parents.

I turn the shower on full heat while I'm still naked and easily jump in. A pair of hands wrap around me, hugging me against him with his lips in the crook of my neck.

"I didn't give you permission to shower with me." I say.
"And you didn't deny me taking your clothes off." I roll my eyes before I feel him jump.
"Holy shit, is this water hot enough?" He says and I innocently shrug.
"It could use a bit more temperature." I respond.
"A bit more temperature? What are you? Ghost rider?" He fixes the knob and turns the water warm.

I rub a bar of soap on my body while his hands are around my waist. I don't know if it's weird that I'm doing this, a guy from Jack o' Beans deciding that he could love on me in a choice of a few days, but I did want a boyfriend or at least a special person to deal my time with instead of criticizing your insecurities in why you're single.

Bodhi's conventionally attractive, who could deny that, and his rocking muscles? Something for a nerd. It was surprising that he could work me like that, warping my mentality into some dirty mug. I wondered if he's done it before.

"Ya know," I begin. "There's a lot I don't know about you."
"Oh?" His voice vibrates in my ear.
"Yeah..how old are you?"
"21."
"College?"
"Harvard."
"Birthdate?"
"August 16, 1997."
"Sex life?"

There was a slight pause, and of course it would be awkward, but his face doesn't alter in his thinking.

"I've had two girls in the past. One at one of my friend's parties, and one in my parent's bedroom. Both of those went quite awkward. One girl didn't know a lot about sex and the other was still dating her boyfriend. I don't know if I should count those as actual sex attempts but I know a quarter isn't enough for a time machine." He shrugs.
"Were you ever into boys during school?" He asks me.
"No not really," I answer. "I was really focused on paying attention in school. It's not like I regret it, just not as experienced."

We smile until there's a loud thumb skidding along the bathtub. I look at Bodhi.

"Well, you dropped it." He chuckles and I go to pick it up.

When I step out of the shower and dress myself, I see Bodhi already dressed, eying his glasses.

"Yeah, I think you broke them." I say.
"No worries, its only a little crooked." He puts them on and smiles at me when his glasses are out of place, the lenses are cracked, and one of bends are hanging loosely from his ear. We laugh, cause it had looked like we actually could've had sex.
"Maybe we can continue this later?" He says and I nod.
"Sometime, when I'm not so easy to distract, you don't forget anything and there's nothing to look up to tomorrow." I kiss him on the cheek but he gives one long kiss on the lips and walks out the door.

It was so exotic, so erotic that I just had to ruin the moment with my vulnerabilities. I don't know why I let myself carry ahead of me, while he could've just taken me and there couldn't be any mishaps there. I was mad at myself. I was so eager what sex felt like, and also scared of it. I don't know if I should tell the girls about this, or even approach mom. It would be a life changer if I would lose my virginity to penetration, that meant, my naivety could be abolished from just that one act.

I found myself staring at the door where Bodhi had just left. I'm alone in the house and for once in a while, it would just be Mali and I together. Matter of fact, did Mali see what was going on last night. I look around to see if I can find his plumped body shuffling around somewhere. It wouldn't be much of a trip.

I turn to see Mali eating in his food bowl and spilling water on the kitchen floor. He turns his body, panting out his tongue before I carry him with me to the couch. I was alone, again, and it actually felt relieving. I get to think to myself, not have to go to work, not stress over the actions I'm doing, or dress up for any occasion. It was just us, and if it ever came to settling down once in a while, I would definitely look forward to it.