Memories Are All She Has

34.A bitter sweet ending

Vanessa's POV

I just lay there on the ground, sobbing over Damon's unmoving body. My hair is scattered all over my face and it is a mess, but I couldn't care less. Over the sound of my sobs I hear that Clary's friends remembered her. I want to feel happy for her, its just that at this instant all I can feel is grief. A grief so strong and so overpowering that it seems to break my heart into a billion pieces.

Everything inside me seems to be breaking. I feel as though a part of me has been ripped away, and in a way it has. My soul mate, my lover has been taken away from me, forever. I didn't even get to go on a proper date with him. I didn't get to marry him. I didn't get to create a family with him. Every thing that I didn't get to do with him and everything that I have lost seems to hit me hard right in that instant. It makes me gasp because of the intensity of the internal pain that I am feeling, that only seems to be getting magnified by the moment. I didn't get to start a new life with Damon.

All of it was forcibly taken away from me, all of because of that warlock. Blaze.

Suddenly, fueled by my anger and grief all muddled together inside me, I stand up. I hastily grab a sword lying nearby and go on a rampage. I kill every warlock in my path, the ones that the creatures haven't finished yet. I slash and stab and sever, rapidly. I have blood spattered on me, but I don't even notice. I only feel anger and grief ripping through me and taking control of me. I let it flow through my veins and fill my body, until I can't feel anything else. My eyes hold a blazing and slightly deranged look and I'm sure I look terrifying right now, with my ripped clothes, blood spattered face, dirty blonde hair and eyes looking murderous. I leave a trial of bodies as I kill mercilessly and I can hear my name being called. But it seems far away. And I ignore it.

I finally reach the warlock. He has the gall to smirk at me. That makes my blood boil and I nearly explode. I advance towards him with my sword raised and he says, right before I kill him, "You can kill me now, but I still did succeed in making your life hell."

I stab my sword right through his heart and I watch as he falls to the floor and the blood drains out of his face. Then I drop my sword and let it fall to the floor with a clatter, and I punch him. I punch him so hard and so many times, until my knuckles are raw and bleeding, but I don't feel any pain. At least not on the outside. Suddenly I feel somebody pulling me away by my waist.

"No!" I say and thrash around.

"Calm down, Vanessa," I hear Jace whisper in my ear.

"I can't! Damon is dead!" I reply and become limp in his arms. All the adrenaline fueling me from earlier seems to have vanished. Oh, I like anger so much better than grief. At least when I'm angry I feel numb to the pain, but now I'm vulnerable and exposed to the overwhelming pain all over again.

Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I feel goosebumps run along my arms. I hug my arms, pointlessly. Jace turns me around and hugs me. Then I feel another person join. From the bright red hair, I know its Clary. Then I feel multiple other people joining. Clary's and Jace's friends.

Somehow being hugged by so many people makes me feel a tad bit better. I feel a tiny bit of warmth in my heart because I have people who care. I have friends. I sniffle and almost manage to smile.

***

Everybody is dressed in white. Shadowhunter's mourning colour. As I pin up my long blonde hair and I look at myself in the mirror. My bloodshot eyes and hollow cheeks are not attractive in the least and the dark bags under my eyes can't even be hidden by makeup. But on the inside I am feeling much worse than how I look on the outside.