The Crying Game

Chapter Fifteen

Procrastinating. One of my many professions.

I've been sitting here thinking. Downing my third cup of coffee and coming up with excuses from trying to face my problems. Probably not a good thing, but it's been working for the past hour and a half.

At first, I planned to find Paul and start apologizing to him, but I soon realized that I didn't know exactly how I was going to do, I ended up pulling into this diner and hadn't left. It just seemed easier to avoid anything and everything at the moment. And for once, it almost felt as if the supernatural life didn't exist beyond here. It felt healthy and relaxing at some point.

I could go without the child screaming in the booth across the restaurant, but I was okay with it for now.

It helped me to chase the thoughts away. But I pitied the mother while she struggled to get the child to eat. The husband was too busy on his phone while the mother only glared at him. I'd be upset also if I were in her shoes.

Then it brought me back to Paul. I ignored him more often than I should have, and I bet he was just as frustrated as that lady was. I could see it was unfair, but I couldn't think of a way to fix it. I'm damaged.

Lately picking up the pieces I had lost was a more significant task than before.

I couldn't just fall in love with Paul the way he expected me to. It didn't help much that the others were flaunting their happiness either. I felt like a defect — a constant reminder of the guilt I carried because I broke something that was supposed to be sacred.

I was the mistake given to Paul.

Was there a part of him that was still upset with me?

Could we ever be happy with the past continually reminding me of my selfish acts?

I just wanted everything to get better without facing any consequences. I wanted Paul to be happy. I needed to be strong enough to give that to him, but I always doubted myself that I couldn't do it because of the one person who made it impossible -Tyler.

As much as I forced myself to forget him, I couldn't. The pain he caused me was a reminder that I was human. I've grown accustomed to the brutalities. Disgustingly, I found comfort in being treated less than my worth. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone love me before hurting me. The pain was just easier to deal with. Compassion was more comfortable to push away.

Now was that all Tyler wanted? It was never like him to put me in that position. It was always him that only mattered. Now that I could feel loved in some way, I wanted to run -I needed to getaway.

But, I wanted to be loved.

It's what scared me the most.

It meant that I would have to let my guard down and trust my heart was healthy enough to go through it, I just wasn't sure how to open those doors and break down those walls.

The sad thing about it all was that I dreamed of one day finding that special someone, that one guy that would treat me like I meant something in him. I used to think that's what Tyler felt, and his flaws were ours. But now that Paul has stepped in and shown be beyond that, I'm afraid that one day he'll go back to the man I knew before -the same man I was worried Tyler would turn back to too.

I guess the big question was, how long would it all last before everything came crashing down? There was only really one way to find out; I just wasn't sure if I could take that leap.

For now, I needed to apologize to Paul -I owed him that at least.

Taking the last drink of my coffee, I left a tip and headed out to Bonnie's car that I borrowed for just this task.