the diary // jensoo

keeping distance (09)

it was exactly 6:40PM when jennie's car stopped right in front of my house. sadness swirled inside of me knowing that this beautiful day with my bully had come to an end.

she looked at me and smiled. "thank you for today."

i tilted my head to the side and raised a questioning brow. "i should be the one thanking you."

"nah," she shook her head once. "it's been a while since i had a normal saturday with someone."

normal saturday with someone? what does that even mean? it left me thinking -- what does she usually do on saturdays? because this day, for me, is not normal too. in case you've forgotten; hanging out with people is not the norm for me ever since i started my junior year in YG high.

every student there are completely ignoring me (kenzo is an exception) they're afraid that the trio would pick on them just like how they would pick on me. i understand them.

jennie, lisa and rosé can be very scary at times, but on rare occasions -- they're super sweet.

like yesterday. . . lisa came to my house and did my make-up, rosé held me as i cried, jennie protected me and took me out for lunch. all three are super unpredictable. i don't know if i should be annoyed or touched.

"you're probably confused. here, let me enlighten you," she said. "normally, i would spend my saturdays with lisa and rosé. we would go around town, hit up everyone who glances at our direction. we go to bars, we get drunk, we most of the time fall asleep in our cars and wake up the next morning remembering not even a single memory of what happened last night," she chuckled as if what she's saying was funny.

it's not funny, nini. it's frustrating.

instead of saying that, i merely nodded and looked away. i already know all of this but hearing jennie say it and her thinking it's actually funny hurts.

imagining jennie flirting with anyone she thinks is pretty or handsome enough -- hurts.

my heart aches and it's super annoying because this shouldn't even bother me in the slightest, but it does.

i felt her soft hand on top of my rigid shoulder. the gentle touch alone was enough to melt down all the disappointment and frustration, but it didn't take the pain of knowing that jennie would never like me back.

yes.

i like jennie.

and the more i try to deny it, the more it's harder to breathe. the more i try to deny these feelings, the more i can't. there's no point in fighting this unbearable infatuation anymore. because the moment that i started to like her -- i've already lost.

"chu," she called me, i looked at her. the moment i met her dark chocolate irises -- sadness swelled in my heart, forcing me to look away immediately. "h-hey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried.

what's wrong? everything.

i shouldn't like you. you shouldn't be doing this to me. i shouldn't have let you kiss me. i shouldn't have hugged you earlier. i shouldn't find comfort in you.

i shouldn't--

i shouldn't--

have fallen for you.

"i'm just really happy," i lied followed by a defeated sigh.

i was never a good liar and jennie isn't exactly gullible or stupid to believe me.

her hand moved downward, she grabbed my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. when she did that, i felt another painful pang on my chest.

if i tell her that i like her right now; would she ever squeeze my hand like that ever again?

if i tell her, will she not play with my heart?

if i tell her, will she catch my fall?

the answers to those three questions are probably--- no.

"don't lie to me, chu. i might be your bully, but i know you more than you think."

do you know that i like you so, so, so much?

she brought my hand to her lips and planted a soft kiss in-between my knuckles. when i felt her warm, soft lips on my shaking hand -- that's when i lost it.

my heart stopped beating and for some reason, i wanted to cry. i wanted my sobs to be loud and pain filled. . . maybe that way, it'll lift a pound or two off my chest.

"you wouldn't get it, nini," i mumbled. the mental note of never calling her that, completely forgotten. "even if you say that you know me more than i think -- you still don't know me very well."

because if she truly knows me more than i think; she should probably already know the answer to her own question. everything is so obvious.

doesn't she get curious? doesn't she get curious as to why--

i can never be mad at her for too long?

why i forgive her way too easily?

why i can never ignore her even if i try?

why whenever she smiles, butterflies bombard my fluttering stomach?

"then tell me everything about you," she cooed. i felt her thumb tracing random but comforting patterns on the back of my hand. "tell me your deepest insecurity and biggest regret, i'll listen."

for a second, i was tempted, but then i realized that if i open up to her -- i'll probably fall even more. i'll probably start to develop more unwanted feelings. i don't want that.

"i need to go," i quickly mumbled. "remember what mom said? i need to be home before 7PM -- it's already six forty-eight."

i was about to leave jennie's car. but amid my attempt to quickly leave, she hastily grabbed my wrist, stopping me from moving an inch. i looked at her and my heart broke.

why does she look so sad?

"maybe some other time?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper. "i want to know you better, chu. i'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable with me because i bullied you. trust me, i never wanted to hurt you."

"but you did," i replied in a hushed tone, batch of tears threatening to leave my eyes. "why?"

"i have my own reasons, jisoo. i have my own problems. . . but i don't think i'm ready to tell you that. . . not yet."

"then i can't tell you mine either," i said. "i think that's only fair."

"someday. . . i-i'll tell you everything. the reasons, the causes, the answers to your questions -- tell me yours too."

i peeled my wrist from her gentle grip and flashed her a sad smile. "i don't think there will be a 'someday', jennie."

"why?" she asked, her perfectly plucked brows furrowed due to confusion.

i flashed her a final smile and left the car; leaving her question unanswered. how could i possibly answer her?

how could i tell her that starting today, i'll ignore her.

that starting today, i'll do everything in my power to never cross path with her in school or anywhere else.

i think keeping these feelings bottled up is for the best. i don't want to get hurt, i don't want to fall and land face first because jennie isn't there to catch me -- i don't want to be in love with her.