unchained

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this is dedicated to my two faves EllieWasOnFire & DiPpLeThEtIpPlE because they're so supportive & without them, I wouldn't have even had the confidence to publish this! <3

are you a first time reader or a re-reader? comment here!!

Phil
4:46pm.

'a book about how to write a book' - by Phil Lester, aspiring author who is also broke and currently can't think of any ideas whatsoever.

I deleted that a second later, hammering at the keyboard until I was left with a plain white sheet on the screen once again.
I shut my laptop angrily and gulped down what was left of my cheap coffee, squirming as the now cold liquid slipped down the back of my throat. I'd been sitting in the cafe on the corner of the park for so long, that the waiters were beginning to shoot me suspicious looks.

Four hours.

Four hours I had been sat, mulling over ideas for my new book, editing my new ideas, and then scrapping them before thinking of newer ones. It was hopeless.
I quit my job as a waiter on minimum wage about a month ago to pursue my ambitions of becoming an author, but I was beginning to think I should just take my old job back. At least then I'd be able to afford a bigger flat. Twenty-five years old, and I'd already reached a dead end with my career.

I began to shove my planning sheets and coffee receipts into my bag with vigour, angry at my brain for being completely unco-operative and unable to produce any good ideas for the last month and a half. I left a generous tip on the empty, coffee-stained plate and stood up from the couch to leave, my legs like lead from four hours of solid sitting. Just as I reached the exit, I found myself double-taking towards the front of the cafe. Squinting amongst the crowds of people, my eyes trailed to the counter.
It couldn't be, could it?
From the corner of my eye, I thought I saw the face of a boy I knew well back in high school. The face of a boy I hadn't seen in 7 years since he moved to America.
I jolted slightly as I snapped out of my trance, realising I was eyeing the man at counter like a lunatic. Brown, curly hair. Deep brown eyes and dimples.

It was him.

The boy I had fallen in love with in high school all those years ago. Of course, I didn't love him anymore. But the unmistakable thumping of my heart against the inside of my chest, and the lump in my drying throat threatening to surge upwards was telling me otherwise.
It was a stupid high school crush, it was one of those annoying little phases where you think you're in love and it consumes you and everything you do, but you're just young and naïve.

There he was, leaning against the counter, over six foot tall as he towered over the waitress who appeared to be serving him.
He looked more beautiful than ever. Adulthood really suited him. The last time I saw him he was a tall, lanky eighteen-year-old. Now, his stature was much more well-built, and as he leaned even further into the counter, his black jacket wrapped in his hand, his shirt pressed against his arms.
I clutched the strap of my bag tightly, my palms sweating. It wouldn't hurt to just say hi, would it?

He was seated next to me in our English class just over 8 years ago. I remember the day perfectly. I was an outsider in high school, I liked to keep myself to myself, but I couldn't help step in when some of the other students he hated shoved his belongings onto the floor. Days later, we became inseparable, and we were best friends for a year. I was practically joined at his hip up until the day he left. Now, we were here, together in the same room again. It had been a long time since we had even set eyes on each other.

I ambled uneasily over to the counter where he stood casual, laughing with the waitress incredulously. All of a sudden, my hearing intensified, and the clanking of cutlery and background mumbling crashed in my ears along with the pounding of my heart.

Was I really doing this?

It was too late now, I was already inches away from him and the waitress was looking my way...

"Dan?"
The boy snapped his head around immediately, a startled look plastered on his face.
"Dan Howell? It's Phil Lester... from high school." I stammered.
There was a brief moment of silence as my heart continued to grind against my chest. What was only a second felt like an entire lifetime as I awaited his response with baited breath.
"Phil, of course I remember!" he said, smiling broadly as two dimples emerged on his pale cheeks. "How are you?"
I exhaled a huge sigh of relief. The tension on my face eased, and was replaced with an wide and uncontrollable smile. His accent had changed slightly since he had been living in America.
"Yeah, I'm great," I lied, "I thought you wouldn't recognise me, you know because of the haircut." I laughed nervously, and I felt a flush of heat spread across my cheeks. "How are you? How come you're here? I thought you still lived in America."
Dan leaned so far into the counter he was practically staring up at me, despite the fact that he had always been two inches taller.
"Yeah, I'm fantastic," the boy chirped, "I'm actually getting married soon, so we might be moving back here."
I felt a pang in my chest, but I masked my hurt with another broad smile. "Congratulations!" was all I could muster. I wasn't even sure my tone was convincing.
"Yeah, she's really great," he said, aloof.

It was a feeling I had never experienced before in all twenty-five years of my life. A combined feeling of jealousy and longing to stay beside him, just talking, and a surge of happiness for him, too.
I had to get out, before he started to tell me about how much he was in love with her and how happy and probably more successful than me he was.
"Anyway, I'll leave you to your coffee," I said, beginning to trail off, "it was really great seeing you."
The edges of my mouth curled into a weak smile, and I turned on my heel to leave.
"Um... Phil, actually," I heard him shout, "I'm just handing in a resume for my fiancé, If you want to sit and catch up for a while? I'll actually be in town for a few days."
I paused. In spite of everything I had just told myself, I couldn't resist him. "Sure," I said, "that'd be great."